I don’t think she’s getting through!
A client of mine spent some time together a few weeks ago, and a very interesting question came up which I thought I would share.
This guy’s challenge is CLASSIC, and one that I see everyday in the men that I work with. He has a naturally wry sense of humor, and gets “flirting” very easily. He is very skilled at, dare I say it, cocky & funny. This often leads him to getting phone numbers from women. In fact, he averages (without even trying) a couple of new numbers per WEEK. So, this is done without even trying OK?
However, when he phones these women a few days later, they are mildly interested, courteous, but they essentially blow him off. He rarely gets an actual date with them.
What the &%$# is happening here?
This is a COMMON problem.
Well, there is a long answer and a short answer. The short answer is that he is not spending enough time with her. So, I told him, give yourself five more minutes with her, so she feels that she knows you better. But, that is only the beginning.
I think we need to realize that women are much more sensitive socially than men. Men often barrel their way through a conversation much like a bull in a china shop. We need to consider what this situation must be like from her point of view.
She probably WANTS to believe that she will have a comfortable, enjoyable time with you – particularly if she gives you her number. But, unless she feels that comfort while with you, your chances of seeing her again are very slim.
She needs to both know a little (not a lot) more about you, as well as she needs to see on some level that you will lead her out of the inevitable awkwardness of a first date.
So, when I say take five more minutes with her, I REALLY mean – demonstrate to her that you are someone she can trust, and that you have things in common.
This all boils down to being comfortable with yourself as well as being genuinely interested in this new person in front of you.
If you’ve only begun this conversation with her because you are interested in sex, your chances of demonstrating a genuine interest are very low because you are only engaged from your loins. Getting laid is a practice which used to engage me, but not anymore – been there, done that.
My work now is about helping guys understand the nature of attraction, and then how to develop that in themselves in an empowering way.
My suggestion to guys is to find some way to discover more about this woman based on what attracted you to her in the first place. Perhaps she has an interesting personal style, or she is wearing something which catches your eye. Even better are the less visible things like energy, posture and radiance.
My clients’ challenge, as well as many others, is how to inquire into this without being overly needy, awkward or just downright weird. Here are some examples of how to ask questions, demonstrating both social confidence as well as an authentic interest in her:
I couldn’t help but notice that you have a keen eye for color. My sister was a redhead, and also got away with wearing green and orange. She was also into punk rock, so she could get away with wearing really LOUD outfits. Your taste is more subtle, and yet it really works. Do you work in fashion, or were you just blessed with a sensitive eye?
I used to manage a dance company, this was years ago, but I grew to recognize the poise and posture these dancers carried themselves with. They also smoked and drank constantly- amazing right? You have that same body sense – don’t tell me you’re jonezing for a Marlboro just now?
Both of these comments do a number of things.
First, they allow her a glimpse into your world. So, you reveal to her certain aspects of your life which give her a better idea of WHO you are. This is very important, because she has JUST met you and knows nothing about you. If you want to see her again, you’ll want to do this a lot with her. Remember, she needs to feel some comfort with you. By letting her know who you are, and some elements from your past, you begin to become an actual person to her.
Second, these comments are complimentary. Anytime you are getting to know a new woman, you want her to feel GOOD and POSITIVE feelings around you. By complimenting her, in particular on things other than how hot she is, you reveal that you have presence and social confidence. Also, you are inquiring into her background, and the best way to open that door is with a compliment.
Third, you are asking about her in ways that are very different from the average guy. These are not the standard buffet of questions women are bombarded with by men in social settings: “Where are you from?”, “What is your sign?”, “Can I buy you a drink?”
If you need to use these, you are both not paying attention and lack social confidence. This combo is highly unattractive, and normally leaves guys home alone.
Well, I hope this helps. Having social confidence is something I will focus on in the future, as a larger concept. For now though, try to see past the surface of the words of these examples, and digest the real SKILLS that I discuss.
In my experience, most guys really want a girlfriend and they could care less about playing games.
The essence of my work with guys on meeting and dating women is in learning social skills. These skills can translate into any social setting, not just dating. They help guys network, cultivate friendships, and empower their overall social lifestyle. Learning these skills can radically transform a man’s ability to meet and socialize with people in any setting. What is commonly missing in a guys repertoire is POWER. By learning the skills, you harness a more organic, authentic power. This is not about pretending to be something that you aren’t, it’s about really presenting yourself as you are – with intelligence.