Don’t worry, it happens to each and every one of us. We meet a woman, she is gorgeous, intelligent, and seems into us. And then, just as we are about to move to kiss her, she throws up her hands and delivers the CLASSIC line:

“Let’s Just Be Friends”

Ugh…our hearts drop, we feel embarrassed, and our masculinity plummets. What happened? What went wrong?

There is no fail-safe method to preventing this, but there are some tried and true tips to help stave-off this dreaded phrase. Here we go:

1) Be physical. No, I don’t mean wrestle with her, but I do mean for you to TOUCH her. Perhaps you just met her, and have been talking for 5-10 minutes – touch her lightly on the hand or the shoulder. Or, you are out on your first date, offer your arm to her as you cross the street or subtly place your hand on her lower back. These are masculine moves, which signal to her that this is a romantic interaction, not a “friendly” one.

2) Be bold. Ultimately guys, she is looking to you to be both sensitive to her and to the moment. If the window opens for a kiss, be bold, and go for it. If you allow too many of these to pass, the energy changes, and you classify YOURSELF as a “friend”. Even if she rejects your advance, it is far better to go for it that not. You get nowhere fast by hoping a kiss magically happens. If she does reject you, this doesn’t mean you cannot try again later. Also, she may be saving you a lot of time by indicating that she simply is not interested in you. Better to find out now…

3) Challenge her. Too often we are so eager to please the woman that we fail to be ourselves. If we are really focused and moving our lives forward, our attractiveness to women increases tremendously. In my ebook, “How To Get A Girlfriend”, I discuss this in length. A woman, intuitively, biologically, is seeking a man who will be firm and steadfast in his resolve, and his purpose. The way we demonstrate this is in not accepting her at her fullest. So, if you feel that she is not really living up to her potential, TELL HER. If she is allowing herself to slip into mediocrity, TELL HER. Do it tenderly, and with love, but be sure to do it. Don’t accept less than her best.

If you can do these three things with consistency, you will never find yourself hearing those awful words again…”Let’s Just Be Friends”. There will be times when you do not get the girl, but you will always be firm in your purpose maintaining your integrity. And, you will be better prepared for the NEXT girl, just around the corner.

I cover the 7 steps to attracting the RIGHT women for you in my ebook “How To Get A Girlfriend”. One of the crucial aspects to meeting women who are suitable for a relationship with you is living with direction and purpose. Often, men who are not really connected with this purpose lack the self-esteem and security to maintain attraction. This is why they often hear our dreaded phrase of the day, “Let’s Just Be Friends”.

My ebook can be downloaded to your computer, and you can be reading it in less than 5 minutes.

Want to get this area handled ASAP? Go for it now.

Also, if you have questions or comments, please feel free to post them here to the blog - always like hearing from other guys out there.

Good luck!

Stephen Nash

A bit of a departure today, as I want to cover briefly a topic which BAFFLES MOST guys. Part of the CEIC work is in helping men both feel and LOOK their best. So, part of what we do with guys is help them with style and fashion challenges. MOST guys I see have haircuts which simply don’t look good on them.

Today, I want to iron this issue out with you all. In How To Get A Girlfriend & Natural Attraction, I cover the importance of having a “look” which works for you (all on Day 6 of the program). This is only a small part in ramping up your success with women. It is small, but nevertheless, valuable…

It’s literally insane how often I see a guy dressed really well, only to have his look ruined by a bad haircut. A great haircut is something so essential yet so many guys overlook it or don’t think twice. You can be wearing the most ordinary clothes but have the perfect haircut and still look great.

Finding the perfect haircut is a lot like most other things in personal style; it requires a good eye on your part as well as a trustworthy opinion from someone else. Anytime I’m in the market for a new haircut, I always check out what the guys on primetime television or soap operas are sporting. Just by watching you’ll see the most current and stylish hair. Also check out fashion spreads in magazines. This should give you an idea of what’s cool and what you might like for yourself.

Remember, that most styles probably won’t work for you; this is where that trustworthy opinion comes in handy. Whenever you change styles, go the best hairstylist you can find, even if it cost you a lot more than your usual haircut.

These stylists will give you the “right” haircut. They always take into consideration the shape of your face, as well as what type of hair you have, leaving you looking like a million bucks.

Once you have that perfect initial haircut, you can always go to a less expensive place later on and have them duplicate the style.

SN.

It happens every day, right? You are on your way to work, occupied with the day ahead, and then she appears, she is right in front of you, and for a moment you feel an impulse to say something. If you are like most guys out there, you say nothing, she passes you by and you are left wondering…what if?

I have worked with a lot of guys, and I ask them “why don’t you talk to her?”. The usual answer is, “I am afraid”.

Many guys expect that, upon hearing there exist “experts” at meeting women that they must not feel any fear, and always approach without hesitation. They also secretly wish that they can have their fear “removed” by these experts. I have some very bad news for these guys.

You will always feel some fear before approaching a beautiful woman. You will also feel a tremendous amount of excitement and joy too. Besides, what could be more thrilling than approaching a gorgeous female?

What is possible is for guys to relieve some of their fear, so that they aren’t paralyzed. What helps in this is giving them a plan of action, as well as a decent idea of what to say. Remember this, you might always feel fear upon approach, but by having a plan, you will alleviate your anxiety. Trust me, fear is far easier to overcome than anxiety. If you can accept the fear, but trust your PLAN, you will be fine.

As my friend Mystery says, “Competence breeds Confidence”.

You might be waiting for the classic pick-up lines now, but I am not going to even address this here, because this article is more about having a plan of action designed to get you over the hump.

In our Natural Attraction Audio Program we cover this initial step in detail, but for now, I want to talk briefly about engaging women in conversations. Let’s call step one of this process (and there will be three in total) – Engage.

When you engage her in a conversation, you want to approach her with a certain topic in mind. The idea I want you to understand here is, you are not to overtly hit on her – cool? In other words, don’t approach her and creep her out by saying things like: “Wow, I would jump over the moon for you”, or “You are so beautiful, I would drink your bath water”…ugh, I hate “lines” like those, which are usually insulting to a woman with any self-esteem.

So, instead of hitting on her by commenting on her beauty, ask her a question related to a topic with which you are familiar, and that has a decent chance of connecting with a female (so sports would be a BAD topic, style and fashion would be a GOOD one). Here is an example.

“Excuse me, but I have a question only a woman can answer. Do women find tattoos on men sexy? I was considering getting a small Asian symbol tattooed on my arm here, but wanted to get some female input on it before I went for it”

Or

“Excuse me, but, as a woman, do you find shorter hair or longer hair to be more attractive on a man?”

These two questions directly relate to fashion and style, a topic certain to interest many women. In this case, you aren’t hitting on her in any way, just seeking her “input”. From there, you can make it more personal and lead into an actual conversation.

Think of this process as a way to demonstrate your personality to her, rather than fawn all over her physical beauty. Many guys hit on her directly, but never take the time to try to meet the actual person who occupies the palace. Is that clear?

In the above two examples, you would then perhaps describe why you wanted this certain Asian symbol, or that you were considering getting a closely-cropped hair cut. After chatting for a few minutes about this topic, you can skillfully move the conversation in countless directions as long as you are paying attention to what she is saying. This is the BEST strategy because you are beginning a conversation with a TOPIC in mind, not just a line or routine. If you start with lines, it is VERY hard to break the pattern and flow into a natural conversation. By simply making this adjustment, and focusing on a topic, you can improvise on the topic, rather than scrambling for the next “thing to say”.

The ultimate idea, of course, is to get to know her and to allow her to get to know you. It is not to communicate to her that you think she is “hot”.

Later on, on your first date, you might say to her:

“By the way, for the record, I think you are simply gorgeous. I know you probably hear that dozens of times per day from lewd men on the street, but let them envy me as I tell it to you personally and honestly. (smile) Anyway…” and then continue with the conversation.

Our next article will deal with step two of our action plan for meeting women. For now though, I encourage you to go for it, and talk to her – wherever you are. You will learn more than I could ever teach you by taking matters into your own hands and engaging her in conversation. If you can think of nothing else, use this:

“Hi, excuse the interruption, but, I noticed you and I had to risk making a fool of myself to meet you – My name is…” And then see what happens!

You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. I would love your feedback and stories on any approaches you do – your stories would probably help thousands of guys out there. So, go ahead and comment below if you want to share any direct experiences, or if you have any questions.

Stephen

Hey everyone -

I just received this testimonial from a guy on the west coast. From time to time guys will send me remarks on our products, and I add them to our testimonials pages (both for How To Get A Girlfriend & Natural Attraction Audio Program). This one though was so positive, I HAD to post it here…please forgive me while I promote myself for a moment…

* * * * *

Basically, I didn’t start seeing results until I read your eBook. I’m not discrediting anybody’s theories here as they are all indirectly related, but some people just “relate” better to specific pieces of works. In my case, it was yours.

I was becoming even more frustrated in the field when I had to start breaking each move down into sections and plans like other teachers suggested. I was a Journalism major and now work in Sales/PR/Marketing. I am also an actor so the bulk of my life is to improv and be reactive. I can’t have TOO much of an inner monologue and need to trust myself with what I will say or what I do “off the cuff”.

Your eBook helped me do that. It helped me be the person I was and was born to be….somewhere down the line…college, career, ex-girlfirends, etc. I thought I had to be someone else. I thought I had to be the person in the movies. I realize now that being different is what helps me excel.

I don’t want to walk into an Abercrombie and find the collared shirt I saw three other guys wearing…I want to discover that vintage shirt in the back of the Thrift Shop. Now when I walk in a room, I get that rush and magnetism I remember from when I was in High School and was voted Funniest Male.

People light up when I’m there and I overheard 2 girls I know saying the best way to describe me is “that I am a big ball of positive energy!”

Holy Crap Stephen, what a way to compliment someone! Anyway, It was like you hit a reset button on me and now I am not wearing a mask. THANK YOU THANK YOU AND THANK YOU!!! When I’m back in NY I will look you up to take a one-on-one seminar!!!

Keep the emails coming!

Justin

I know that title reeks of sensationalism (perhaps it is due to watching David Blaine last night), but I STRONGLY believe that understanding the concept of “Security” is vital to any man’s dating and relationship life.

Essentially, we have to come to grips with the fact that we really have to start with ourselves. Hell, I think many guys would do well to stop dating altogether (as some “date” or “hook up” as a defense mechanism) just to come to grips with what their lives have become. Other guys must begin to date women, even if it is a weekly coffee from someone you meet online. It’s different for every guy.

What I stress in my audio program “Natural Attraction”, my ebook “How To Get A Girlfriend”, our seminars and one-on-one consultations is how to cultivate a lifestyle which both works for you and then how to relate to women within that lifestyle. This is the healthiest and easiest way to start having success QUICK with the opposite sex.

Ultimately though, the real reason men are unsuccessful with women is insecurity (or, the opposite of security). It might masquerade as shyness, nerves, neediness, lack of style, bad breath, or body odor. But, at its root, this phenomenon is simply defined - Insecurity.

Now, before you go and jump to conclusions, let’s accurately define security. Then, let’s consider how this relates to being attractive. Let’s also try to keep this simple, because this is a topic we cover at length in our products and consultations which takes time to get handled. Let me give you our definition of security:

“A willingness to accept myself as I am, strengths and weaknesses and then the determination to work towards a healthy ideal for myself.”

A man who is secure realizes his weaknesses, and then addresses them. Some weaknesses (better known as challenges) are tougher to handle than others. A patient, deliberate effort may have to follow.

If a guy has bad breath, for example, is it because he just ate a dish filled with garlic or does he suffer from gingivitis? If it’s the garlic causing the problem, his problem is easily remedied by a bit of time and some mouthwash. If he has gingivitis or halitosis, the challenge becomes larger and will take more time to surmount. (Although, he should carry some Cool Mint Listerine PocketPaks with him at all times)

A guy who is secure with himself likely never encounters a challenge like bad breath, or if he does, he handles it right away. An insecure guy will be too lazy to take the action, or will unconsciously reject the reality that he has bad breath. His fragile self-esteem will not accept the information, thus he continues to create bad impressions on other people due to his own unwillingness. This has been our experience.

This mini-example can translate to virtually any challenge which we encounter through our lives. Most guys live lives that are so out of balance, that a woman might like you initially, but when she eventually sees the chaos that follows you around (whether it be bad breath, flailing friendships, insecurity, lack of focus, endless hours surfing the web, the list goes on…) she will never really see you as a viable companion because she knows, intuitively, and biologically, that you are not a man in the truest sense. You are not someone who can provide security…thusly you are not attractive to her.

Here is where we separate the men from the boys. The boys right now are thinking, “This is a load of BS. A bunch of feel good jargon. This will never work for me.” They are right, it never will until they decide to face their lives like a man.

A man sees this and realizes that it is time, now, to step up to the plate and take responsibility. He sees that he can get what is rightfully his. That time is now.

Women are seeking a man who is secure with himself, and is able to provide it to her consistently.

These men reflect it with everything they do – they always seem to be in control, they are sensitive to the needs of the moment, they rise to the occasion, and are comfortable in their own skin.

Their life naturally validates them internally, and thusly, they feel complete.

They are attractive, naturally.

So, when you give that guy the ten magically perfect things to say to a woman, he only needs five, and even then he has overdone it…

Let me be clear – I am not saying that you have to be rich or to have fully realized all of your goals in order to be successful with women.

What I am saying is that it is critical to be on the path pursuing your goals. Men who live with passion and direction are magnets for women because they are attractive.

Quality women are desperate for men whose lives are focused, balanced, and filled with purpose.

If you want a plan of action, along with proven interactive exercises designed to show you exactly what it is that you really want…check out our “Natural Attraction” 7 day CD program.

In conclusion!:

The single most perfect piece of advice that I can give you is: You must get your life in order and movie forward to have anything close to a meaningful relationship with a quality woman.

Thanks for your time guys, and best of luck!

Your friend,

Stephen

So many guys arrive at the doorstep of the dating and seduction community dying for advice about how to meet women, get laid and have relationships. Many are virgins, or are rarely sexually active. Most, if not all, are single – and they want to change that. Good for them.

But, let’s take a look at both the profile of the Chump and his mindset. I have found that there are often things there worth keeping. Also, I use the word Chump to be both slightly derogatory and inspiring – therefore, if you are a chump, you need help, and fortunately for you, you are in the right place.

All of these initial profiles (see: Evolution of a Hottie) will lead each “type” to a certain fork in the road. What happens after these forks will be chronicled at a later time. For now, lets get inside the mind and soul of the “chump”. What we find is surprising…

BORN: One never really knows where things went wrong. Perhaps Daddy dropped him at birth. Or, his parents just didn’t care enough early on. Nonetheless, so many young-uns are slighted these days – and it’s usually evident from the word go. Often, the chump comes from a single-parent household, broken home, or abusive environment. Something happens to shut him down – some wound or emotional injury causes him to shrink.

CHILDHOOD: A broken heart happens in many ways. Perhaps he was left alone early-on, maybe he was beaten, maybe his parents didn’t care as much as he needed, maybe he was born an alcoholic, perhaps he witnessed (or absorbed) violence…the list is endless. My belief is that most guys who struggle with women do so for REAL REASONS. This doesn’t just “happen” guys. You aren’t, at essence, broken. But, most (if not all) are suffering some kind of pain. It is most ALWAYS evident in childhood. Little Jonny wasn’t so social in the sandbox. Little Jonny had angry outbursts. Little Jonny didn’t play fair. Little Jonny then got punished, reinforcing his belief that he was “unworthy”…

EARLY TEEN YEARS: Little Jonny meets little Mary. This is where the conflict really begins. Jonny likes Mary, and feels “something” for her. He tries to spend time with her, and likes making her laugh. She seems to like him too – and they sit together and have lunch. The other kids start to laugh, and poke fun at them both. Jonny takes this personally – as this feels like “punishment” to him. He feels like he is doing something “wrong” now, so he pulls away a bit from Mary. She doesn’t understand, and changes her eating habits by hanging out with others. He is heart-broken, and neither he nor she understands why. He further avoids her now, confusing her while he wonders why she has also “pulled away”. She might make moves to rekindle the friendship, but Jonny always manages to sabotage things by misreading what is happening. His low self-esteem continually convinces him that “she hates me”, adding to his insecurity even more. He must find a way to compensate for this…

MIDDLE TEEN YEARS: Needing an outlet, Jonny turns to: sports, drinking or scholastics to make himself feel better. He escapes into one of these three (usually) so that he can excel at something, which salves his painful wounds. Perhaps he excels at football, or weightlifting to help him feel like a man. Maybe he spends his weekends drinking with the boys, in hopes of freeing his inhibitions enough to let his real self out to breathe a bit. Or, maybe he just digs himself into his books, searching for acceptance via school and smarts: he’ll become a prominent business-man, and that will teach ‘em all. He, like most guys, does “get lucky” on occasion – makes out with a girl at a party, has a date to the 10th grade dance, even hooks up on vacation. However, he never feels he meets really attractive women, and his friends even come up with nicknames for him, like: “easy”, “hoggin’”, and “lefty” to slap around his lack of success. His broken-heart now feels angry. So, he dives further into school, drinking or sports to salve the greater-ache.

LATER TEEN YEARS: But, as it does with us all, he finally meets “her”. She moves to his town from across the country, and arrives in his neighborhood. His families mingle, as his parents want to “meet the neighbors”. He and “her” are naturally together a lot, that summer before his senior year. He does “nice” things for her: takes her to dinner, buys her flowers, gives her an extra-“nice” gift for her birthday. She really likes him, and they each other “my boyfriend” and “my girlfriend”. School starts, and at first, he is alas the BMOC (Big Man on Campus). He now has a beauty on his arm, and he couldn’t be more proud. Maybe it happens at the homecoming party, after the homecoming dance. Everyone’s a bit tipsy, and she notices “Paul” – he is the coolest guy, and he is “so sweet”. He has the looks any young girl would die for, and is at his life’s peak. He’s the QB, or the pitching prospect, or the shooting guard who makes the scouts drool…and he kisses her, and she likes it. “Jonny” comes into the room seconds too late, only to see them in mid-makeout. A scene insues, as Jonny flees the party. He is “sick” for the next few days, as he cannot even leave the house. It’s his worst nightmare. And it only fuels the fire.

COLLEGE: He is accepted at a major university, as his academics are “so strong”. He is pre-med, which suits him as it allows him hours at the desk, with his book, away from people. He spends a lot of time alone, preparing for that “someday” when he will be successful and happy. He never gets laid. Never. He stifles his sex-drive, as it will be appeased “someday”. Occasionally a friend will take him out for drinks, a movie, and he does sometimes meet women. But the bitterness of his past always creeps up on him, convincing him that either he, or she, is not “good enough”. Alas, he graduates from Med school, and gets a job as an internist at his city’s hospital. He looks old for his age. He is slightly slouched over. His breath reeks of coffee usually. He does not come out of “Grey’s Anatomy”, no, he comes from the real world. When asked by mom if he’s seeing anyone, he laughs and says “not now, just too busy to date”. Unfortunately, deep down, he knows he is unhappy…

He goes to google one day, types in “dating help” or “seduction” or “how to get a girlfriend” and the screen fills his head with possibilities…and then he comes to us… TO BE TRANSFORMED.

Based on years of research, along with countless hours of confusion, I feel, alas, as if I have at least begun to understand the female psyche. This post will start a series of studies on differing “types”. This focuses on the “hottie” mindset. When “sarging”, guys typically face this profile (numerous times per night).

In my ebook “How To Get A Girlfriend” and our 7-Day Audio Program “Natural Attraction”, we discuss, basically, how to develop oneself into an attractive man in order to attract the RIGHT women to us. We also discuss the necessary social skills to meet women both via a cold approach (an important skill) and through our social circle (equally important). Along the way to this toolbox, I had to grow thru several stages - and one of them led me face-to-face with many “hottie’s”.

This type tends not to be open to a relationship, but is rather at a less advanced stage of evolution (a more advanced stage would be open to a relationship and intimacy). She is eager to be stimulated. So, the man who can direct her attention and emotions in a positive manner will get HER attention for the moment…but this can be fleeting…

For our purposes, lets assume she’s an only child, as this is simpler (the impact of other sisters and brothers is large btw).

So, without any further ado, I present “Evolution of a Hottie” (with apologies to the cast of “Heathers”).

BORN: Baby, and “cute” - hopefully cared for and loved, perhaps even slightly spoiled. Nonetheless, everything proceeds as normal - Gerbers, Teddy Bears, Cribs, Slobber, Walking, Cute Clothes etc…

PLAYGROUND: Other kids in the picture, so the “center of attention” is now no longer. She is placed by the supervisors in and around other girls. She learns to socialize a bit, how to “share”, how to ask for what she needs or wants, how to communicate. She probably takes a few bumps and bruises from the others (boys and girls), but overall has a pretty good experience and “likes others”.

FAMILY: If she’s a burgeoning “hottie” her family and friends of family, are always telling her how “adorable” she is, how “cute and lovely” she is - all of which is true. She begins to feel that her appearance “matters”, and that it gets her that precious commodity, “attention”…this continues, perhaps, for many years.

SCHOOL - PHASE I: Now the first brushes with “boys” happens. She likely has her small group of friends, as the mothers make a point to put them together before school begins so that they have friends (it’s the same for us boys). She now senses the beginnings of female competition. The girls compete for the cutest lunchbox, backpack, dress, lipstick, blush…SHOES…it’s all starting to happen just like Mother Nature intended.

They begin to sense that the “boys” like the “cute” stuff, and wear it more and more with that in mind. They also begin to “gossip” about the other girls and boys. They notice the slightest barbs of jealousy attached to the “gossip” intended for their female friends. They also slowly increase their interest in the “cute stuff” as it helps them better compete with the girls, while also garnering much more of that precious commodity, “attention”. However, up to now, the “attention” is never attached to “romance” or “sexuality”, as that has yet to be awakened…which leads us to Phase II….

SCHOOL - PHASE II: Around the age of 9, 10 or so, girls begin to change…puberty affects their hormones just as it does with us boys. They now begin to feel a slight “attraction” for the boys, sometimes before the precious “attention” and sometimes after. Nonetheless, the competition now increases between the girls, to see who can get the most “attention” from the boys. The “cute stuff” also now expands to include slightly (or not) revealing clothing, sexier makeup, more flashy handbags and shoes…all worn to school in the middle grades, to impress the boys, but also to impress the girls. The girls cattiness and gossip now increases as they must struggle with their own social ladder in hopes of climbing to the top. By dragging one hottie down the ladder, the self-hottie goes up the ladder.

They like stimulation, as it evokes the feminine need for a flow of energy. The young girls, subconsciously, begin to seek this flow of energy - both in positive and negative ways. They purchase more “cute stuff” to attract a greater flow of energy to them, and they also gossip in order to climb to a higher rung where there is more attention, more energy flow, more good feelings. Perhaps her first kiss happens here, or perhaps not - either way, social status DOES depend somewhat on ones relationship to the phases of sexual initiation:

1) Kiss
2) French Kiss
3) Touch
4) Sex

You might recognize these as the four “bases” (love our National Pastime). Boys are the same, of course, bragging about their exploits and rankings. For girls though, it is a quieter, more cunning art of bragging. They can see that the boys make constant plays for their attention and affection. To be too “easy”, would be bad for the social ladder. So, they learn to protect themselves by roaming in packs, they play subtle games with boys: feigning interest, pulling away, conjuring up tests, in order to see if he “really likes me”. They realize now the all-powerful belief, my body is desired, and can assist me to increase the “flow of energy” from the outside world…let the games begin…

SCHOOL - PHASE III: She gets her first boyfriend. He’s been carefully selected by “mother” and her “best friend”. He fits the mold, he is strong, he has direction, he is socially very well adapted, he makes good grades, he is going “somewhere”. He drives up in his convertible (which “dad” bought for him last year), wearing something very conservative and trustworthy - perhaps a letter jacket, or a v-neck sweater. He greets “mother” with a white-smile, and she comments “We’ve heard so many great things about you”. He answers with a blush, and greets dad on the sofa who grumbles something about “having her back by 10, young man”. He politely obliges, and opens the door for the two to leave. She feels a rush of excitement, to finally be alone with a boy.

They go to the local pizza parlor, and share a pie. They have a wondrous conversation…she begins to feel something different…he likes “me”, they way he looks at me, the way he smiles at me, the way he is so polite…he likes “me”. They get in the car, as it is nearing “10pm”, and he takes her home - they kiss in the car - and she feels that rush of emotion that she has so been craving…he’s a “gentleman” and walks her to the door, much to the delight of “mother” and “dad”.

She rushes to school the next day, and tells her friends all that happened. Some are happy for her, the others are jealous. Slowly rumors fill the air. And as they move, these rumors, vicious as they are, fall further and further from the truth. She feels her heart close, at mere mention of her behavior in the halls. However, she likes the boy, as he does her. They continue to date and, eventually have sex. Again, rumors swirl. His accomplishment is her failure. She quietly weeps inside. He proudly walks with her through the halls. As much as she might not care to admit it, the rumors hurt…

It doesn’t work out. He cheats on her. She is heart-broken. Her friends capture her in the fall, but some quietly scorn with embittered happiness. The flow of energy in her heart has been abruptly quieted, and then again filled with sadness. She relishes more the attention from the other boys. She even goes to parties sometimes (as all “hot” girls are invited to parties), she might even have a drink or a snort. This, of course, might lead to the occasional “encounter” - as when drunk, her desire for connection is more freed and less encumbered by her social personality - the one that keeps things “together”.

Like her, her friends are also experimenting with both bodies and substance. They all grow thru the school-girl phase together. They go out with each other, they frequent clubs and bars (where they meet the friendly-neighborhood-PUAs) - receiving massive displays of affection, and larger still plays for their attention - all from men they barely know. None seem interested in their minds or personalities - but are very interested in what lies from the neck down. They learn more social skills to protect themselves. And secretly, they wish for an “honest man”. Instead of that though they dress more flamboyantly, with more color and pizzazz attracting the same in reverse. These men turn out to be, unfortunately, the men they secretly wish to avoid. Yet, that is all they find. Our dearest one even finds herself giving it all away, but only on occasion. Yet she loves the affection, and the faux-connection that the nightlife brings. It also satisfies another need - the one that has been growing along with her body all these years - that need for attention and stimulation. Lights, men, drinks, music all contribute to a huge flow of positive emotion to her - so vital to her happiness and well-being.

But, why are there no good men? She wonders…

This is the crossroads. How does she, the hottie, reconcile her need for attention and how her body & appearance continually delivers that AND her innate human need for real love and intimacy. She must change - but does she? There is a middle ground, but it requires more depth and intelligence. Often, I see pain (from broken relationships, or a broken-heart) as the key to this new depth and intelligence. She must learn ways to fend-off the losers, and attract the real men. But there is a price for this education.

Like men, the real power comes when she learns what she really wants - not what her parents or culture demand for her. She (we) must begin to know herself in a new way.

For men, we constantly sneak glances at women, we fantasize about having them sexually, we make subtle (or not) plays for their affection. But, as far as getting past our own surfaces, we make little effort to - our desire at the shallow end of the pool is for sex & validation only. The “hottie’s” might desire attention at the shallow end. Thus the mating dance begins. At the deepest point though, we both want love.

For her, and for us, to attract someone whom we can trust and develop with, we must head for the deep end. On the way, you will have to acknowledge more of what you really want, as opposed to what merely “looks good” to the outside world.

We can have it all boys, but we gotta know what “it” is first. At the shallow end of the pool - we don’t know much but the splashy surface…

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