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Here’s the link to it. It’s written by Evan Mark Katz, and I have reprinted it here:

Of all the things that clients (especially men) ask me to help them with, the most common query involves assistance with writing introductory emails. And while I never write emails for others, the request makes perfect sense. After all, most people’s profiles don’t exactly give you a ton of material to work with, do they? So how do you cobble together something from a pile of nothing? Well, you can start by remembering these three basic rules:

1. If someone else can say it, don’t say it. It’s not that “You’ve got a great smile, let’s go out sometime” is a bad opener. It’s just so…easy. And easy equals common. Ask yourself if what you’re writing sounds completely original. If not, the person you’re contacting probably has 10 emails just like yours sitting on the computer screen.

2. Cut to the chase. Don’t waste time with a whole bunch of text that doesn’t tell the recipient anything new. Consider a message like this:

Dear JB,

Yours,
Evan

Every line of this message can be thrown out. Why? Because anyone whom you contact knows by virtue of you writing to them that a) you liked their profile, b) you liked their photo and c) you’d like a reply. So why say any of it? Better to come up with a fun, unique angle.

3. Be flirty. Be confident. Be different. Keep in mind that YOU are the commodity here. Even though you’re writing to someone out of the blue, do so with the belief that this person would be lucky to have you. If you’re too complimentary in that initial email, you can come off as desperate and needy. So don’t go overboard. Say a couple of funny, coy lines and get out. Your profile ultimately does the selling; your email just has to pique their interest.

Separate yourself from the pack

Still, the question remains: how do you say something original and flirty? That, my friends, is what separates the most successful online daters from the rest of the pack.

Here are three steps to set you on the right path. In this case, I’ve written them for men replying to women, but the steps are applicable to everyone:

Step 1: Read her profile closely. Every word of it. Remember, that’s why she wrote it – because she wants you to get to know her, not because she wants to be told for the umpteenth time that she’s hot. Men who treat women as unique and interesting individuals stand a much greater shot of receiving a response.

The thing is, even if she’s interesting, she most likely wrote a whole bunch of clichés in her profile: “I’m nice, smart, kind, warm, funny, honest and family-oriented. I like hiking, biking, movies, music, travel. I’m looking for my best friend, lover and partner in crime for a lifetime of love and laughter.” (Scary how easy it is to approximate the typical online dating profile, isn’t it?) Obviously, there’s not much to respond to here. Even a specific response like “I noticed you enjoy biking. What trail do you ride on?” is kind of bland, although it is sincere. So let’s think outside the box, shall we?

Step 2: Find the most interesting tidbit in her entire profile. NOT the thing you like the most, NOT the thing you find most attractive, NOT the thing you have in common. The most interesting tidbit in her profile is the thing that sounds like it couldn’t have been written by anybody else in the world. It might be how she hates pigeons. It might be how she was once a foot model. It might be how she doesn’t know how to program her TiVo. Whatever it is, take her quirky tidbit and turn it into your pickup line.

Step 3: Write something that’s not true. Yes, you heard me correctly. The most effective way to catch someone’s attention in an initial email is with fiction. Why? Because the truth, as we’ve established, is boring.

Yes, you think she’s attractive.

Yes, you think it’s cool that she also likes Robert DeNiro movies and skiing in Vail.
But does any of that sound like a good pickup line to you? Not really. Dig deeper.

Step 4: Take her factoid and apply it to yourself in a fictional fashion. The sillier and more over-the-top your email, the funnier it’ll be. A good joke doesn’t require an explanation – it’s obviously a joke. For example, if you’re writing to the foot model, you might say:

Once upon a time, I was a knee model. Great money, tons of fame, you know the deal … Then I skinned my knee when rollerblading. I never modeled again.

Let’s drink to our fashion careers,
Evan

Sure, it’s a little goofy, but people actually respond to this stuff. Why? Because it’s different, it’s audacious and, in a strange way, it’s kind of smart. Most importantly, it’s confident. It’s not an idle compliment or a generic, “Ooh, look what we have in common” line. It’s a joke and, as we all know, people like people who make them laugh.

Wanna try again? Let’s take the TiVo woman.

Start your comment in the subject heading of the email, like this…

TiVo for Dummies

Talk to you soon,
Evan

Shake things up a little

If these kinds of emails don’t work for you, no problem. Humor is subjective. Just keep in mind that the confidence it takes to write an email like that is compelling. Playing it safe is fine, but if an attractive person has dozens, if not hundreds, of options, you need to shake things up a little bit to break through the clutter. Now what are you gonna say to that pigeon-hater?

Let’s call this my “She’s Just Not That Into You” series, to borrow the phrase from Behrendt and Tucillo. She’s just not that into you…if she doesn’t return your calls.

How many times have you found yourself wondering, “does she like me, or not?” Maybe you have just met her, and simply cannot tell. Or, maybe it’s the third date, and you still feel uncertain.

Listen, women are subtle. They will usually indicate their interest to you, or not, indirectly. They are not going to run up to you and shout into your ear, “I AM INTERESTED, KISS ME NOW PLEASE!” OK?

Likewise, they are not typically known for being blunt either. So, expecting her to simply tell you that she has lost interest is unreasonable. In this series, I uncover the common signals that women send to men indicating their lack of interest. Also, with each “symptom”, I will offer a “cure” for fixing this issue the next time.

She’s Just Not That Into You…symptom #1:

You give her a call, but she doesn’t call you back…what to do?

This happens to each and every one of us. It has certainly happened to me more than once. What this typically indicates is a lack of connection. If you call her once, and you receive no reply, definitely try her again. But, if she doesn’t pick up on the second call, leave this message:

“Hey, it’s Stephen. I thought I would give in one last shot at meeting up with you. I enjoyed our conversation, and hoped to continue it sometime. Anyway, here’s my number, and I wish you the best.”

This is so solid because it tells her that you will not chase her, and that you are willing to walk away. You are not desperate. If you have seen “Swingers”, recall the excruciating scene when John Favreau calls the girl he just met at the club. If you haven’t seen this classic, rent it tonight.

This message often gets a call back, as she realizes you are serious about meeting up with her. If she doesn’t call you back, then you know one of the following has happened:

1) She is not open to meeting anyone new right now;

2) She does not trust you.

We have no control over situations where the woman is simply not interested in meeting someone new. She may already be in a relationship or just be in town for the weekend; we’ll never know, so don’t dwell on it.

However, we can influence the initial interaction so that she feels greater attraction and trust for us. If you consistently do not get return calls from women, you are not handling this first exchange with enough care and intelligence for her to ever want to see you again.

Being an attractive man is both an internal belief, and an external skill set. Do you know how to flirt? Do you know how to tell a story (and not put someone to sleep)? Do you know how to tease? Do you know how to do all of this without coming across as weird and creepy? Do you have a plan of action when meeting women? Do you know how to structure an interaction to insure a date?

In my book, “How to Get a Girlfriend” , I cover these topics in massive detail - it’s all about how to get women INTO you. For now, just realize that a woman must feel attracted to you before she will be willing to give you her number.

So, since we are trouble-shooting phone calls, let’s assume she felt that spark of attraction, and in the flush of the moment, handed you her card. Now, you have phoned her a couple of times, but she won’t call you back…why is this?

She doesn’t trust you.

Trust is a complex issue, my friend. In order to understand it, put yourself in her shoes for a moment.

First, you are approached by this cool guy, and you are engaged in a conversation. It flows nicely from the beginning, and you find him attractive. You then talk about this great film you both saw last week (coincidentally) for about ten minutes. He seemed charming, so you gave him your phone number. After you left, you started asking yourself some questions. What do we really have in common? What will we talk about if we went out? Would it be comfortable? Why does he like me, when he knows nothing about me? Is it only for my appearance? Who was that guy?

You see where this leads, don’t you? She doesn’t really know you, so she cannot trust you or your intentions. You may be sincerely interested in her - perhaps her vibe was irresistible, or her appearance was too beautiful to pass up - but unless she feels a solid connection, you won’t see her again.

You have been thrown in the pile with all the other guys who, “only want me for my body”.

So, how do we create this solid connection?

In brief, you talk about many different things. We call this wide rapport. In the example above, I describe deep rapport. When you first meet a woman, and you know you want to see her again, you need to create wide rapport.

Talk about a lot of topics by using your conversation skills. Be sure you reveal aspects of your personality and your background. Don’t go into a full life story, but be sure to let her know SOMETHING about you. She has to leave knowing enough about you in order to feel comfortable seeing you again.

When she feels you have more than just one thing in common, her thought process changes: Wow, I hope he calls, we have so much to talk about. I felt comfortable around him, because he knew how to hold a conversation. I enjoyed talking with him, he was interesting, and he really listened to me.

See where this goes?

In my ebook, “How To Get A Girlfriend” , I go over this A LOT. I cover it even more in the “Natural Attraction” audio program. Creating Attraction and Trust are critical to having an active dating life, leading to meaningful relationships. I also go into the real world skills necessary for revealing your personality, without it seeming too obvious or needy.

If you haven’t bought your copy yet…what are you waiting for? Go for it. It is designed for guys who want the maximum edge with dating and relationships.

Stephen

“Let’s meet for coffee”, you say.

“Sure, sounds great”, says she.

“See you at 8pm.”

“Great, see you then.”

You hang up feeling elated at having confirmed a date with this gorgeous, fascinating woman. You will take her out for coffee, hoping the conversation will be terrific. You hope this leads to a solid connection and the ever-challenging, second date.

Why are you already behind the 8-ball? Why are you already backed into the corner?

Why are you following the rules, “hoping” for good luck rather than being bold & spontaneous, increasing the chances of having an awesome time?

Taking a girl for coffee is a nice thing to do. Any decent, intelligent girl would think nice thoughts about you. But, how far has “nice” gotten you in the past?

Ask yourself this question:

“Why do I play by the rules? Why don’t I use my imagination, and God-given creative instincts, to create an interesting evening?”

If you answered correctly, you said:

“Because I haven’t a clue how to do that!”

Precisely…

This article is intended to give you, on a silver platter no less, this very clue. Here is the “Lucky 7″ list:

1) Break the rules. Why just take her to coffee, when, if you use your imagination, virtually anything becomes a possibility. Think of the date as being a way to present yourself to her. Want her to think you are ordinary, uncreative and possibly boring? Or, would you rather her see you as someone exciting and original? You decide.

2) Dress Casual-Cool. Don’t make the first date super-formal. A client of mine recently took a woman to a costume ball on a first date. They were both stiff as boards the entire evening. Instead, make the event relaxed and fun, and dress slightly above the atmosphere. So, if you take her to the downtown music scene, for example, wear a smooth blazer with a t-shirt, and some casual slacks. You set yourself apart from the crowd, and look a bit cooler than the rest of the t-shirts and jeans in your midst.

3) Don’t Wait for the Kiss. Most guys wait for the end of the evening to kiss her. In fact, most women expect this awkward moment. Instead, maybe an hour or so into the date, create an opportunity to kiss her. Structure a romantic moment like a stroll along the river, or a relaxing tea on a park bench. Then, slow everything down, gently tease her hair while you chat, and go for the kiss. She will be impressed with your spontaneity, and will feel grateful not to dread any uncomfortable moments at the end of the night. In fact, a kiss then will be automatic.

4) Bring Her into Your World. Most guys see a first date as time to “impress her” or “make her like me”. Blah! Instead, why not approach it as time to “show her who I am and what I am about” as well as an opportunity to “see if we connect”. Why should you have to impress her? In fact, your attempts at impressing her will likely make her uncomfortable. Social intelligence indicates that a first date is an “information gathering” session - no more, no less.

5) Breath Control. Usually guys have great breath as the date begins. But, as the date goes on, their mouths dry-up, which can lead to sour breath. On a first date, a kiss is unlikely at the very beginning, right? So, be sure your breath is solid throughout the night by both drinking plenty of water, and by bringing mints or another breath control device. Breath strips are great for example. At a point in the evening, excuse yourself and head to the men’s room. Check your grooming, but also be sure to drop a mint or two, so you are ready and able when the moment arrives…

6) Go Easy Hotshot. Don’t make the rookie mistake of acting like a horny teenager in the throes of puberty; stay cool. No groping allowed, period. Ease into physical contact and anything sexual by setting the stage for it. Once she responds positively to your subtle advances and gives you a window of opportunity, make your move. Nothing too fast, too soon. She must trust you and be comfortable with you first before anything can happen. It’s your job to get this done.

And last..

7) Be Prepared. Have cash for cabs and a back-up plan in case the place you go to doesn’t work out for any reason (closed, booked, boring). The back-up could be what your friends are doing that night. Find out from them before you head out. Also, have your place clean and bed made if you decide to invite her over to “watch a movie.” Oh, and have a movie, and some protection (read: CONDOM) nearby just in case.

That’s it guys. Use these tried and true tips, and watch your first date lead to a second one in a flash. Remember, this is not your chance to impress her, but rather your opportunity to express yourself honestly and powerfully. If you have no clue how to do that, you are going to want to check out my eBook “How To Get A Girlfriend”pronto. Seriously, it is THE essential primer for giving guys the maximum edge in dating, and in life.

SN.

I got a note a few days ago from a guy with a really great question. It all relates to the issue of security, and how it plays such a large role in dating and relationships. What it all boils down to is having some sense of purpose higher than just getting laid, or making millions.

Hello Stephen,

I recently turned 18 years old, and at this age you might think i know how to deal and get into relationships. But i don’t. I can honestly say my longest relationship was two days (only because the girl was using me for more physical action while she waited on another guy). And it bothers me a lot, because i’ve wanted a girlfriend for who knows how long, probably since 6th grade. What can i say, i’m a victim of the romantic lifestyle.

Everyone around me is in a relationship (mostly). My best friend can pick up girls just by snapping his fingers and has had sex more times than anyone i know, and he’s two years younger than i am. This sort of saddens me.

So you see, when i read your article about having depression and anger and envy and sort of you know…push those girls away, one of those light bulbs turned on in my head. I get depressed about not having love, anger has always been a ruling emotion in me (though it’s very generally contained) and envy of those who HAVE love.

I WANT to change these feelings and i WANT to reinvent my personality. My clothes are fine, my hair looks great and i’m a funny guy. So after reading the article, it’s revealed to me that i may not be secure with myself.

I look in the mirror everyday hoping i look better and such, but sometimes it almost hurts to look. I just need to know how i can become secure with myself, and learn to like myself so that i can experience love like all my friends are.

Sincerely, Ben

No problem Ben.

Well, first of all, you’re young - so, try to relax a bit. 18 is VERY young in fact, and it doesn’t surprise me that you have a question or two about women and dating.

Different people are, well, different. Your friend who gets laid with a snap of the finger likely has other challenges that you have no problem with (in fact, I am sure of this). He might struggle in other areas, which you have no difficulties with.

You might be more boyfriend material, for example - whereas he may have the player thing down, but would repel a woman with a head on her shoulders. See how this works? There are no free lunches in this world.

Now, as for “reinventing my personality” - stop right there. Not only is this a bad idea, it is IMPOSSIBLE. You are a certain way, and the more you resist and fight that “nature”, the more stress and problems you will create in life. Far better to accept who/how you are, and GO with it - really - go far with it. Do things you want. Live how you want. If certain things interest you, GO for it. If they don’t, then don’t waste your time with it.

I have seen a lot of guys, who are insecure - and who therefore feel like they need “fixing” (because they are insecure) - who then try to recreate themselves…and they fail miserably simply because they cannot change or alter their nature. They try to become like the cool guys they compare themselves to (in your case, your friend who gets laid when he wants), and throw the baby out with the bathwater. Know what they are left with? NOTHING but a head full of confusion and the same broken heart they began with.

My advice? Get rolling, and start devoting yourself to some sort of real “purpose” - whatever it it - focus on it, and give yourself to it. Have it have nothing to do with women and dating - but rather, make it about something that you can actually DO. If you make your purpose about getting another human being to do something you want them to do, you are set up for failure because you cannot control others. Make it about attaining a goal for yourself etc.

In my experience, THEN can we really relate to women in a right way - because they don’t WANT to be first. They might tell you that, but in truth, they want to feel that you are devoted to a larger purpose than just them, which they can enjoy and appreciate with and through you.

If women become your purpose, you are screwed seven different ways to Sunday Ben…this is why very often guys who profess to being gurus with women, NEVER have a girlfriend or a healthy relationship - they have the cart before the horse…

SN.

Check out the link at the bottom of this article. It is a discussion on Fall Fashion, for both men and women, in the workplace. The men’s piece is particularly good - though broad - I like it because it is not too fancy, and is applicable across many environments. Here is an excerpt, which focuses on men’s fashion:

“Men, contrary to popular belief, have more fashion choices than ever. And this fall’s trends are timeless in their appeal.

It’s important to incorporate your own personal style in your clothing while remaining professional. “Don’t succumb to trends that will label you a fashion victim,” warns Lloyd. Translation: Don’t try too many trends at once. Stick to one that flatters your personality and build your look around it.

One thing every man should have in his wardrobe is a classic blazer. It goes with everything, from jeans to trousers. And it’s timeless. “It’s better to have one good jacket and wear it with different shirts or sweaters than five average jackets,” says Dan Peres, Editor in Chief of Details magazine.

In a corporate environment, where ties are often required, a school striped tie is featured on runways this fall. It’s elegant when paired with a streamlined navy suit. This trend adds a sense of fun and personality without making a bold, over-the-top statement.

When not wearing a tie, try layering a thin sweater - crew or V-neck - over a button-down shirt. It’s very James Bond, especially when worn with a jacket. But this is best done on lean, tall frames, lest you look bulky.

“You can communicate personal style through accessories - or a beautiful sweater - and stand out,” says Peres, who says that pocket squares, watches, cufflinks, and socks (read: never white ones!) are items men can use to express who they are. That, and perhaps a military-inspired jacket. This, however, should not be taken too literally. “It’s not about Salvation Army,” says Buckingham, but rather, “a subtle peacoat with great gold buttons, which can be very American-classic.”

Going with quality offers a measure of polish, which says more than you’d think. Adds Peres, “Polish shows you care about your job - and yourself.” He feels that men should avoid, at all costs, ripped jeans, raggedy T-shirts, and things that don’t fit well, no matter how creative or casual the work environment. And in a corporate atmosphere, anything unpolished should not even be considered.”

Here’s the link to the rest of the article:

Hot Jobs @ Yahoo

Stephen

Recently, I got a GREAT question from a friend of ours in the Midwest. This is a topic that plagues a lot of guys, and I am guessing you too. He writes:

Dear Stephen,

TH, Minneapolis, MN

First, you have to be willing to delay gratification for yourself. I assume though that this piece is handled, otherwise you wouldn’t have arrived at this question in your life.

Ultimately, it is about maintaining that sexual/romantic tension. These are two different aspects. Guys who have been primarily hunters for sex in their lives, automatically project a vibe of sexual hunter - partner (players). Guys who have been seeking romance in their lives, tend to be the ones who fall into the “friend category”. To have a healthy relationship, you have to be the master of BOTH. The sexual tension leads her to see you as someone worthy of conquering her, and the romantic tension leads her to trust you enough to give you herself in a relationship. See the difference here?

As long as both are present, you will have no problem keeping her around. Having sexual tension doesn’t mean that you have sex. In fact, for most guys, once the sex happens the first time, the tension is gone. In a healthy relationship, it should only increase. This is rare though, and requires the couple to give themselves to a sexual discovery process. Most people are horribly sexually repressed, which is why we have such strange outbursts of sexual energy in our society.

How to have the combination of both then is what you need to be concerned with. For the sexual tension, you need to be both dominant and autonomous - in other words, lead her…in conversation, on a date (you have the ideas, you take charge), and even physically (you walk her down the street, etc). For the romantic tension, you need her to trust you - so, be on time, call when you say you will, comfort her when you sense her emotions are fragile, be open and honest with your feelings (not in a dull, cheezy way - but in an empowering way).

Hopefully you all can see the difference. If you want healthy relationships, you need a blend of both. Experience is the only way you’ll know when/where to increase the tension, and when to let it go.

We cover this topic, and plenty more in our eBook, “How To Get A Girlfriend” and our “Natural Attraction” Audio Program. Both help guys understand the how and when of amplifying tension and releasing it. If you want to have real choice in your dating lives, you MUST understand both. Otherwise, you’ll be the victim of your instincts..which is what led you here in the first place.

Best,

SN.

The sixth necessary social skill worth learning is how to compliment a woman. So many guys I’ve worked with are truly clueless when it comes to complimenting a woman. How many of you have said any version of the following:

“Wow, you’re drop-dead gorgeous. Let me buy you a drink”

“God broke the mold the day he made you!”

“You are fine! I gotta take you to dinner sometime girl - Gimme your phone number!”

It’s a sad moment when any man lets rip with any of the above. Can you see how insulting these are? Cool, socially intelligent guys never waste their time with “compliments” like these.

Not only is it blatantly obvious that the only thing you are thinking about is sex, but it is also painfully clear that you lack imagination and any ability to actually pay attention to anything other than her looks. That’s three strikes against you, and you have only said one thing!

Women do not like to be treated as sex objects by men - clear? When you “compliment” her with any of the above, you give yourself exactly zero chance of meeting the actual person, and having a real conversation.

Let’s take a minute now and talk about how to compliment a woman, in a way that does not insult her.

First of all, people (not only women), prefer to be complimented about things that they have actually done. So, in the case of complimenting a woman’s appearance, why not consider her selection of clothing and style?

“Let me say, you look terrific, your sense of style is impeccable. Are you a designer of some sort?”

“Are you an athlete? You walk with such grace and composure - not easy in heels on the concrete sidewalk.”

Your chances of flattering her are very high with statements like these. You could even initiate a conversation with a woman using these.

Again, you are talking about the choices she made around her clothing selections for the day or the grace with which she carries herself (something she has undoubtedly worked hard for). You are complimenting the person, rather than her God-given looks.

If you are in conversation with her, and feel the desire to compliment her, again, try to stay away from her looks:

“Wow, I am impressed. You are a great conversationalist. This is really interesting. Let me ask you, how were the dinner table discussions when you were younger - pretty involved I’d bet.”

“You’re clearly well read - a characteristic I really respect. Where did you get that quality? My mom and dad were avid readers when I was growing up, so I naturally became one too in my adult years.”

If you ever do feel compelled to remark on a woman’s beauty, be sure not to do it when you first meet. This just places you in the age-old category of a guy who is only interested in sex, and can’t think of anything original to say. SERIOUSLY. It is far more powerful to do so later in the conversation, as she will feel more comfortable around you and thusly more able to be flattered.

“You know, I haven’t said so until now because I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable - but you are a very beautiful woman. It must be both a burden and a luxury for you in life. Do you ever feel that people are often speaking to the face or the body, and not the person?”

Ultimately, you want the compliment to indicate that you are able to pay attention to more than just her pretty face. It also indicates that you have some knowledge of what it means to be a beautiful woman in the world. This helps her to relax around you even more, allowing her to open up more to you.

That’s how you really reach her guys, not by barking at her out your car window…

Also, if you have yet to check out our “Natural Attraction” audio program, what are you waiting for?? This gives you the COMPLETE solution to your lifestyle and dating challenges.

That’s it for now guys, and thanks a lot for your time.

Wishing you the best,

SN

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