Take Charge, Become The Leader

The last of the 10 Essential Skills worth learning from “The Game” (and now, fully provided for here by CEIC) is becoming a leader. Throughout these 10 lessons, leadership is a hidden quality that is necessary to reach the higher levels of social success.

Leadership is first evident in how YOU choose to live. If you are able to LEAD your own life (aka: autonomously), this will directly translate into leadership skills with women, socially, at work, etc. You must know that inner quality of knowing your own purpose and direction, and focusing direct action towards that result. Without an understanding of that, not even Tony Robbins can help you…

Autonomy is a well-covered topic over here, and if you are reading this and have no idea what I am talking about, be sure to peruse the CEIC archive and read more. Or, just grab yourself a copy of How To Get A Girlfriend.

What I want to talk about here though, is how to become a leader socially - which is critical, since meeting women 99% of the time happens thru your social circle. Being a leader socially immediately puts you in a position of power. Here’s how…

If you really want to expand your social circle (and therefore meet new people…new *women*), you will have to take the lead and make it happen. Your friends may or may not be interested in meeting new people. Your friends may or may not be interested on growing out of their small comfort zone. That is why it is so important for you to be willing to go out alone – particularly if it is something you really want to see, or experience.

One way to lead is to organize events and activities. I used to have a loft in Brooklyn, and would throw monthly parties as a way to expand my social circle. After every party, I would have new numbers of women that I eventually dated or invited to the next party. Had I not taken the lead, and gone through the effort of making the event happen, I would have never met these women. Also, I made countless new friends in the process. Another fringe benefit to throwing parties is that when you are out meeting new people in other environments, you have an automatic way of keeping in touch with them – “Hey, I am throwing a party next month, give me your email address and I will send you an invite”. All of these new people show up to your party, and now you are on your home turf, meeting new people. Everyone wants to meet you because it is your party!

I understand that you may not have the space to throw a party, but most people are able to throw dinner parties, right? Here is an idea – throw a dinner party, and ask each friend to bring someone completely new who will not know the other people there. I used to do this a lot, and it always makes for an exciting evening. Also, develop a theme around the dinner. I remember one dinner party I threw was based on a Mediterranean theme, and another was an evening with different “stews” from around the world. Use your imagination and have fun with it. Again, this is a great way to meet new people. Feel free to confide in your female friends that they are more than welcome to bring their single friends along…

Lastly, if you are totally out of ideas, throw a party in another person’s space. Ask your friends, who happen to have the killer house in the center of town, if they would mind if you threw a dinner party at their house. You will manage the invites, the décor, and the clean-up, while everyone invited will bring a dish to the night. All they have to do is get dressed and have a good time. If the party is going to be big, get some friends to help you out. The basic rule of thumb is to have one person helping you for every ten guests. So, if you can only find three other friends to help you with the party, be sure to have no more than thirty people attend…this is supposed to be fun, right?

Ultimately, you can simply become the “go-to” guy for what’s happening. I regularly get people together - from all corners of my life - and head out to do something fun/new/interesting/cool here in New York City. I simply send an email, and let everyone know what “we’re” doing. I will typically get around 20% of people who are available and interested. These friends very often ask if they can bring someone, which I of course encourage. My girlfriend and I often go out on the weekends with a group of around 10 friends in tow. It is always more fun with others, and it is a great way to meet new people.

If you use your imagination, and take the lead, there is no way you can be stopped from expanding your social circle.

So, that’s 10 of 10 friends…I sure hope you got something positive and helpful from this series. If you really want a final answer to all of your dating and women woes, check out the CEIC audio program Natural Attraction. In it, you receive 7 disks and a workbook complete with EVERYTHING you need to know from meeting more women, to flirting, storytelling, escalating, teasing, endless dating advice (where to go, why, what to do, what NOT to do), fashion advice etc. Also, each disk contains exercises designed to quickly and effortlessly teach you the skill in question. This is the only product you need to give you the maximum edge in dating, and in life. Feel free to read more about it by clicking here.

Also, feel free to shoot me a line with any questions, and if you don’t mind it being broadcast to the world, type the world “mailbag” in the subject line.

Happy Holidays!

Stephen Nash.

So, how do you know when to take things to the next level? How to know when to “make the move”? This is a problem every guy sweats. In fact, I know a handful of guys who lose sleep over this prior to going out with a girl. Wouldn’t you like a clear and easy plan to navigate these special moments? Read on.

I want to cover a few things while going through this topic of “How To Escalate”. All of them require you to pay attention, and lead the interaction. Typically, when in an intimate situation, women look to men to lead this process. The first thing you should be paying attention to is body language.

Body language

You will need to gauge her comfort level by observing her body language, and by listening to what she says. The basic rule of thumb is to not give her any more energy (via body language) than she is giving with hers and in the meantime create comfort by talking, listening, and expressing humor, encouraging her to open up to you. When she does so, reward her with changing your body language too, slowly leading her physically into more and more comfort.

For example, say you are both sitting on the sofa and you notice that her legs are crossed AWAY from you. What we teach is to also cross yours away from her, and then, after a few moments of comfort building, cross your legs TO her. If you have earned her trust, she will, as a result of greater rapport, cross her legs to you. See that? This principle applies to all potential scenarios. The idea is to meet her where she is, then lead her from that into a more intimate place.

Tonality

You will want to slow down your speech, and soften your voice when escalating. This may be obvious to some of you guys, but women are very responsive to changes in sound. Again, if you do this at the right time, you will, just by using your voice, LEAD her into greater intimacy – her voice will slow down, and soften…you lean in to hear her, get closer…see where this leads?

Pacing her reality

If you sense her getting uncomfortable for any reason pace her reality and acknowledge that you are sensitive to the moment. When you pace someone’s reality, you exhibit understanding for their situation, you build a connection there, stabilizing the energy. Then, you simply build back to where you were, and continue to escalate. Pacing can be used at any point, particularly where you feel that she is uncomfortable, or you are uncomfortable. There are two very good ways to do so:

1) Pace it by simply acknowledging it. “Wow, here we are in my bedroom, I must say it is a bit uncomfortable to be here with a completely new person and it must also be kind of different for you too. Well, since you are a new person in my room, as your initiation, you must tell a very funny joke.”

So, what have I done here? I have communicated that I am uncomfortable (which will invariably surprise her), I acknowledge that I understand her feelings too (notice that I don’t say that she feels uncomfortable, or weird – I say “different” – better to frame her feelings in this way, rather than something so obviously negative), and then I take her feelings and transfer her discomfort from being in my room to a challenge to tell a funny joke. Now she has a different reason to feel uncomfortable, and it is not about me, but rather about a challenge that I have laid down. Yes, you can certainly use the line, but better to understand the principle. So, here is a short definition: pacing=acknowledgement, connection, and lead away. Cool?

So, how then do you know when to move forward, when to escalate? Well, you have to begin to notice rhythms that exist socially between people. There are certain windows of opportunity which open up when in intimacy. Escalation is on your mind, and it is on hers. She is wondering if you will, and then, how you will…escalate. What will be on your mind, usually, is that you want to, but how, and when? You HAVE to pay attention, and you HAVE to be willing to take the chance. There is a structure I teach in Natural Attraction which is foolproof, and works everytime. This structure is universal, and is always applicable when it comes to deciding when to kiss, touch, and advance further into physical intimacy. I don’t give it away here though…

In my experience, guys typically advance their success with women drastically after learning some very simple, easy to understand, facts about dating and female psychology.

All of these are covered in our complete audio program, Natural Attraction which is guaranteed to dramatically alter how you perceive women and dating from the moment you begin the first CD.

In fact, you can be working your way through it in a matter of days (what else were you going to do over the Christmas holiday??) by clicking here and reading more about it.

Otherwise, hope you’re enjoying the holidays…and more to come from me soon.

SN.

My girlfriend forwarded me this link yesterday, and I thought it would be useful here. Here is the link to the original. Also, the text of the article follows here.

After you read this, consider how you might be doing this. For most people, inadequacy is S.O.P. (Standard Operating Procedure), so it stands to reason that they habitually would overestimate others’ attractiveness based on their own low self-opinion. This supports the concept of enhancing lifestyle, and self-image in order to see things more clearly and objectively to IMPROVE one’s own self-image - rather than indulging in foolish, childish “game” behavior. Games attract games, and children attract children…

Here is the text from The Times:

“Insights: Overestimating Competitors in the Game of Love”

By ERIC NAGOURNEY
Published: December 5, 2006

Asking someone out on a date might seem a little less intimidating if the competition weren’t so good looking. So here is some good news: maybe it isn’t.
Researchers have found that men and women consistently overrate the attractiveness of other members of their own sex.

Writing in the current issue of Evolution and Human Behavior, Sarah E. Hill, a graduate student in psychology at the University of Texas, Austin, theorized that purely as a matter of evolutionary advantage, there might be merit in giving romantic rivals more credit than they deserve.

“In mating - as in any social competition - those who underestimate their opponents ultimately increase the risk of defeat because they are unprepared for the competition,” Dr. Hill wrote.

People who overrate the attractiveness of others, the study said, may work harder to maintain or improve their own appearance to keep current partners or attract new ones. They may also be discouraged from wasting time seeking out mates who are out of reach.

But there is a flip side, the study said. Overestimating rivals may erode self-confidence and lead people to seek less desirable partners. They may also spend too much time worrying about their own attractiveness.

For the study, the researchers showed 123 men and 159 women photographs of students of the opposite sex and asked them to rate the students as prospective sexual or long-term partners. They then showed the same photographs to members of the same sex and asked them to assess how attractive those people would be to members of the opposite sex.

On average, men rated other men a third higher than women did. Women rated other women a quarter higher than men did.

The differences did not occur when the volunteers were asked to rate the people on characteristics that did not involve attractiveness, including how politically involved they thought the person was.

This is THE main thing that I find myself helping guys with. In our one-on-one sessions, we tend to spend a lot of time discussing lifestyle. What do I mean when I say lifestyle? Essentially, I am talking about the WAY you spend your time - what do you do? How long do you do it? How often do you do things that are healthy and fulfilling? How often do you waste, or ‘kill’, time (an awful phrase in our lexicon)? If you have kept up with my earlier newsletters, you can probably see where I am going with this. If you want to be happy and fulfilled - and therefore attractive to healthy women - you need to take ownership over your own life first. How you choose to spend your time is a HUGE piece of that equation.

In the Natural Attraction audio program, I spend an entire day discussing the aspect of lifestyle with you - and we walk through specific exercises which help illuminate your purpose, and then steps are outlined which allow you to create a plan of action to fulfill this. You literally leave the program knowing what you want out of life, and then how to attain these goals. In case you haven’t noticed - guys that get this area handled have ZERO problems with women.

Let’s assume that you are like most people, feeling somewhat trapped in your job and you wake up grumpy in the mornings trying to find the energy to head out to “the office”. This job serves you in some way, otherwise you wouldn’t have it. It could just be a paycheck to you. In fact the majority of people see their jobs as a necessary evil, and not as a place to express their intelligence and creativity.

There are two things though that you have massive control over right now that I am going to discuss. The first is your attitude. If you hate your job, you are forgetting that you are lucky to have one, and that you could spend that “hateful” energy in a positive way by looking for another job, or changing your career path! Make sense?

I am not sure why, but most of us out there lose sight of what we have in favor of being resentful at what we do NOT have! Amazing, but true. If you REALLY hate your job, find another one. If you hate your career, take action and become self-employed or go back to school. Yes, these things take time, but it is remarkable to witness the power of change in one’s attitude when they simply make a decision to begin this process of change. If this describes you, take stock of this and formulate a plan of action that works for you. Do not, for example, make the mistake of quitting your job before you have another one. Don’t add the negative emotion of financial insecurity (anxiety, the American killer) to your plate. Be intelligent and put yourself into action. Find gratitude for the current job that feeds, clothes and shelters you.

If you like and are fulfilled with your work, you are in the minority, and I congratulate you. The key is to have a positive attitude on a daily basis: to see the glass half full, rather than half-empty. If you don’t like your current reality, take action to change it. Empower yourself by stepping out of the victim role, and taking action as soon as you finish this book!

The other area that you have control over is how you spend the rest of your time. What do you do when you aren’t banging away at the office computer all day? Are you a couch potato? Are you out of shape? Do you have an active social circle? Are you involved in any hobbies?

Most of us spend our free time haphazardly, and we call it “spontaneity” or “relaxing”. I do not suggest that you manage your time down to the second. But, I am suggesting that you use this time to encourage more happiness and joy in your daily lives. If you are a great cook, throw a dinner party to revitalize your social circle. If you love to swim, join a swim club at the local gym. Perhaps you love sports - get involved in a local league that is gender-mixed. The outlets for your interests are countless. It might require a little imagination, but you must get involved in the world if you want to bring more positive emotions into your life. To bring it back to our primary aim, this is more ATTRACTIVE to women. Also, by being out in the world, you meet more women with similar interests. The fringe benefits to being active and involved in the world are a sense of meaning and connection. Every man deserves this and is responsible for taking the necessary actions to create this reality.

So many people live a life that is out of balance, spending a dominant portion of their time and energy “on the job”. Balancing work and “other” time is critical because it allows other parts of your personality to come forward and be expressed. It gives more of a variety of experiences to draw from when relating to other people, as well as providing other outlets to meet people enhancing your social circle. It is also healthier. People who live more balanced lives are happier. Do I need to convince you more?

In my experience, the eight areas of life that need to be balanced into a healthy lifestyle are:

*Career/Work - In the ideal world, we all love our work. In the real world, we do not. Find a way to be grateful for your job, and useful. You will spend a lot of time at work, better to have a positive experience while there.

*Creativity - This is where hobbies are important. Perhaps you are an artist? Find time to create. A great hobby is photography. You can do it as you walk through your neighborhood. It is also a great way to meet people, and to share experiences with others through your photos.
*Intellectual - This is an area which is very neglected. It is important that you keep your intellect sharp. One way to do so is to read the newspaper on a daily basis. Or, dive into classic works of fiction, or poetry.
*Health & Fitness - Get in shape and stay in shape. There is no substitute for a great diet either. These are critical for living a healthy, balanced life. People who eat right and are in shape have better attitudes than those who do not. If your body feels better, you will feel better.
*Social - You need to spend time with your friends, relaxing and socializing. It is very important to have an active social life, as it keeps you connected and involved with the world. Also, having fun and sharing laughs helps you recharge intellectually and emotionally. Without an active social life, people tend towards depression and isolation.
*Family - This can be sensitive for some people who experienced difficulties with their parents when they were younger. Your family can be a great source of comfort and connection, as well being supportive through difficult times. It is common for people to feel challenged in their family lives. However, growing through these challenges forges character and integrity.
*Companionship & Intimacy - Ultimately, every person deserves a lasting, meaningful relationship. It can be both nurturing and challenging. Ultimately, it serves to help us be open to another person, and understand the nature of intimacy and love. Intimate relationships are important in any person’s development. The result is a greater sense of ourselves, and a more fulfilling and happy life. Most of you reading this are probably looking for this.
*Austerity - Lastly, each of us needs time alone. This is when we recharge and connect with ourselves, and our purpose. Perhaps this is when we indulge in our hobbies, or when we practice daily meditation. Spending time alone helps us reenter the world feeling refreshed and connected.

Find outlets for your interests and then pursue them. If you feel that one or more of these categories are missing, creatively brainstorm ways to bring this into balance by taking some action. Perhaps you would benefit from taking a meditation class. Or, pick-up that novel you have wanted to read, but denied yourself. Hobbies are great, as are activities and events. Look out for the social calendars in your neighborhood. Here in New York City we have The Village Voice that is a free weekly publication. It lists all of the film, theater, music, nightlife and special events for the week. Also, in this current internet age, there are countless resources online that can help you get inside information on the events in your home town. Being out of balance is common, unnecessary and easily resolved.

Use these tips, and get active. Build a lifestyle which fills you with purpose and meaning.

My eBook “How To Get A Girlfriend ” and my “Natural Attraction” Audio Program are tremendous resources for guys seeking to maximize their experience of life, and therefore with women and dating. We focus on all aspects of helping guys both fulfill their life needs and desires, while teaching the necessary social skills to meet more quality women. Doesn’t that interest you?

Good luck!

SN.

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