Hey man -

We get the NY Times daily here, and I was just taking a break over some coffee and stumbled across a VERY intriguing article in the Science section.

I’ve been hearing a lot about EHarmony, and their way of working - which basically entails (if I am reading this correctly) filling in a 250+ question personality profile and then THEY set you up with “matches”…and you don’t get to browse…am I right?

I’d LOVE to hear from guys who have tried this and seen/not seen results.

Anyone?

The article follows btw. But, I’m highly skeptical of these personality profiles.

I guess I am a bit “old school” and think it’s unlikely that a thought-out questionnaire could indicate potential chemistry between people. It seems so much more about feeling/emotion and type etc.

Chemistry can’t be quantified, in other words.

EHarmony claims to be responsible for 2% of all marriages last year…HARD to believe frankly. They hired a firm to do their research for them. Seems sort of like a candidate hiring someone to do straw polls.

Well, I’d love to hear from you with your feedback - particularly if you’ve done EHarmony or any of the other personality tests they mention here: chemistry.com (apparently you send in a swab of your DNA!), perfectmatch.com & eharmony.com.

Oh, and if you’re interested in getting REALLY GOOD at internet dating, check out what David D has to say about it here:

David D’s Online Dating Program

Now, here’s the article:

By JOHN TIERNEY
Published: January 29, 2008

PASADENA, Calif. — The two students in Southern California had just been introduced during an experiment to test their “interpersonal chemistry.” The man, a graduate student, dutifully asked the undergraduate woman what her major was.

“Spanish and sociology,” she said.

“Interesting,” he said. ‘‘I was a sociology major. What are you going to do with that?”

“You are just full of questions.”

“It’s true.”

“My passion has always been Spanish, the language, the culture. I love traveling and knowing new cultures and places.”

Bogart and Bacall it was not. But Gian Gonzaga, a social psychologist, could see possibilities for this couple as he watched their recorded chat on a television screen.

They were nodding and smiling in unison, and the woman stroked her hair and briefly licked her lips — positive signs of chemistry that would be duly recorded in this experiment at the new eHarmony Labs here. By comparing these results with the couple’s answers to hundreds of other questions, the researchers hoped to draw closer to a new and extremely lucrative grail — making the right match.

Once upon a time, finding a mate was considered too important to be entrusted to people under the influence of raging hormones. Their parents, sometimes assisted by astrologers and matchmakers, supervised courtship until customs changed in the West because of what was called the Romeo and Juliet revolution. Grown-ups, leave the kids alone.

But now some social scientists have rediscovered the appeal of adult supervision — provided the adults have doctorates and vast caches of psychometric data. Online matchmaking has become a boom industry as rival scientists test their algorithms for finding love.

The leading yenta is eHarmony, which pioneered the don’t-try-this-yourself approach eight years ago by refusing to let its online customers browse for their own dates. It requires them to answer a 258-question personality test and then picks potential partners. The company estimates, based on a national Harris survey it commissioned, that its matchmaking was responsible for about 2 percent of the marriages in America last year, nearly 120 weddings a day.

Another company, Perfectmatch.com, is using an algorithm designed by Pepper Schwartz, a sociologist at the University of Washington at Seattle. Match.com, which became the largest online dating service by letting people find their own partners, set up a new matchmaking service, Chemistry.com, using an algorithm created by Helen E. Fisher, an anthropologist at Rutgers who has studied the neural chemistry of people in love.

As the matchmakers compete for customers — and denigrate each other’s methodology — the battle has intrigued academic researchers who study the mating game. On the one hand, they are skeptical, because the algorithms and the results have not been published for peer review. But they also realize that these online companies give scientists a remarkable opportunity to gather enormous amounts of data and test their theories in the field. EHarmony says more than 19 million people have filled out its questionnaire.

Its algorithm was developed a decade ago by Galen Buckwalter, a psychologist who had previously been a research professor at the University of Southern California. Drawing on previous evidence that personality similarities predict happiness in a relationship, he administered hundreds of personality questions to 5,000 married couples and correlated the answers with the couples’ marital happiness, as measured by an existing instrument called the dyadic adjustment scale.

The result was an algorithm that is supposed to match people on 29 “core traits,” like social style or emotional temperament, and “vital attributes” like relationship skills. (For details: nytimes.com/tierneylab.)

“We’re not looking for clones, but our models emphasize similarities in personality and in values,” Dr. Buckwalter said. “It’s fairly common that differences can initially be appealing, but they’re not so cute after two years. If you have someone who’s Type A and real hard charging, put them with someone else like that. It’s just much easier for people to relate if they don’t have to negotiate all these differences.”

Does this method actually work? In theory, thanks to its millions of customers and their fees (up to $60 a month), eHarmony has the data and resources to conduct cutting-edge research. It has an advisory board of prominent social scientists and a new laboratory with researchers lured from academia like Dr. Gonzaga, who previously worked at a marriage-research lab at U.C.L.A.

So far, except for a presentation at a psychologists’ conference, the company has not produced much scientific evidence that its system works. It has started a longitudinal study comparing eHarmony couples with a control group, and Dr. Buckwalter says it is committed to publishing peer-reviewed research, but not the details of its algorithm. That secrecy may be a smart business move, but it makes eHarmony a target for scientific critics, not to mention its rivals.

In the battle of the matchmakers, Chemistry.com has been running commercials faulting eHarmony for refusing to match gay couples (eHarmony says it can’t because its algorithm is based on data from heterosexuals), and eHarmony asked the Better Business Bureau to stop Chemistry.com from claiming its algorithm had been scientifically validated. The bureau concurred that there was not enough evidence, and Chemistry.com agreed to stop advertising that Dr. Fisher’s method was based on “the latest science of attraction.”

Dr. Fisher now says the ruling against her last year made sense because her algorithm at that time was still a work in progress as she correlated sociological and psychological measures, as well as indicators linked to chemical systems in the brain. But now, she said, she has the evidence from Chemistry.com users to validate the method, and she plans to publish it along with the details of the algorithm.

“I believe in transparency,” she said, taking a dig at eHarmony. “I want to share my data so that I will get peer review.”

Until outside scientists have a good look at the numbers, no one can know how effective any of these algorithms are, but one thing is already clear. People aren’t so good at picking their own mates online. Researchers who studied online dating found that the customers typically ended up going out with fewer than 1 percent of the people whose profiles they studied, and that those dates often ended up being huge letdowns. The people make up impossible shopping lists for what they want in a partner, says Eli Finkel, a psychologist who studies dating at Northwestern University’s Relationships Lab.

“They think they know what they want,” Dr. Finkel said. “But meeting somebody who possesses the characteristics they claim are so important is much less inspiring than they would have predicted.”

The new matchmakers may or may not have the right formula. But their computers at least know better than to give you what you want.

Thoughts? Comments? Let em rip! Remember, what you contribute here will help your fellow brethren…so, do it for your karma!

Stephen.

What does it mean to be both a man, and to flirt? Seems contradictory in a way doesn’t it?

Most guys hear the word man and instantly envision the traditional Marlboro Man pose, with lowered brow, and suspicious gaze…

In “How To Get A Girlfriend” I talk endlessly about ways to develop your masculinity, while also allowing for a sense of humor that is CONFIDENT and not NEEDY. A cocky & playful sense of humor is essential to skillful flirting.

So, lets get real and be serious about this for a moment…or, better yet, let’s NOT. Being too serious, and trying to flirt, is like C3PO trying to break dance. So, how can we take the tension out of dating, while maintaining effectiveness?

Listen, I work with a lot of guys and I know that most of them feel pretty clueless when it comes to flirting. They either overdo it, and come off like a horse’s $&# or the don’t do it enough, failing to create any sexual tension.

These guys tend to live with the “nice guy” label, and have many female “friends” in their lives but little romance.

The first key to flirting is to RELAX. When you are uptight about a girl “liking you”, she will sense it and lose interest FAST. This is not rocket science here guys!

When you feel this way, look her in the eye and imagine her snoring. I know it sounds strange, but when you see that pretty face of hers blaring out a loud snore while asleep, she tends to lose all the importance you have given her. The idea is to realize that she is not deserving of your power, so why be freaked out in her presence?

Second, being flirtatious means being playful. There is a lot written up out there about the importance of being “cocky”. Frankly, this idea is played out. The guys I meet tell me the same thing:

“Every time I get cocky with her, she loses interest in me. I always come off like an ass!”

We call it the David D syndrome…too much “cocky” and not enough “funny”.

Yep. That’s why we don’t talk cocky here. The key is to be PLAYFUL. Teasing her is GREAT. Treat her like she’s the nerdy kid in high school. When she does something dumb, bust her on it. When you do this though, do it with a smile – be sure she knows you are teasing her. Otherwise, without the playful attitude, you will be categorized as a jerk.

Incidentally, NEVER make fun of her looks. Feel free to compliment her “look”, but never tease her about her genetic appearance. Tease and bust on her behavior only. This is where the fun happens.

The magic combination is to combine this playful attitude with being a gentleman. Open doors, pull out the chairs, offer your arm when going over the curb, help with her jacket…all of those chivalrous things…DO THEM.

Feel free to be as nice and courteous to her as possible. But, be sure to mix that with teasing and a playful combination. Having this mixture allows you to be a gentleman. Without it, you become her “friend” and a “nice guy”. Yuck!

By revealing that you are considerate and fun, you become the big winner. It is the essence of what is called “push/pull”. I cover this in greater detail in my ebook and audio program. For now, just note that when you tease her, you subtly (psychically) push her away. When you are considerate and chivalrous, you pull her towards you. This creates TENSION.

This tension is also known as – Sexual Tension.

To flirt like a man means to be the master of tension. When to dial it up, when to slow it down, and when to drop it altogether. It takes experience to master it, but focus on these principles to ride the fast track:

• Relax – nothing is more unattractive than an uptight guy, chill out and lower the stakes;
• Playful – tease her, poke fun at her, and do it with a smile;
• Gentleman – Open doors, offer your hand and make her feel special;
• Confidence – do all of the above with confidence, and you will help her feel comfortable and valuable…this combo makes you the big winner.

If you’re looking for help on how to get a girlfriend, and other dating and relationship advice, then you ought to check out my ebook. Or, stay tuned to the blog as I post here regularly with advice for guys on how to get a girlfriend.

(sorry if that seems a bit wordy there, trying to get that keyword phrase on my pages here a lot. Which keyword phrase you ask? How To Get A Girlfriend, of course… so thanks for asking)

Over ‘n out - off to see that film “The Orphanage” with some friends.

Talk later,

Stephen.

My girlfriend’s mother gave me a personalized mousepad for Christmas…with our pic on it.

Last year, we went to a prom-style dance here in NYC for her school, and we had someone snap a digi-pic of us. So, her mom got the file and somehow got it printed on a mousepad.

She also made a scrapbook of our last year together - including our trip to Venezuela, and our various appearances down at their home in Maryland.

So, what’s the point? Why am I telling you?

I guess to say that…I’m in. Know what I mean?

The parents of your girlfriend might be tough ones to crack. Her dad, for example, is a classic alpha guy, who intimidated me at first.

Now, we’re pals. We watched the Pats/Giants game (little did we know it would be a precurser to a Super Bowl rematch) together, and roared at every score. He was kind enough to Tivo the UNC basketball game that night for me to watch later when we arrived…

These “little” things are the things that I now LOVE about being in a relationship. My life has expanded, and not just because I love my girlfriend.

Oh, and we moved in together back in December and have a puppy in our lives too (a black lab named “Magic”).

This is a FAR cry from Project Hollywood let me tell you! It’s also a far cry from the “pick-up” lifestyle too.

Let me come full circle with this before I sign off - if you want a GREAT life which includes a healthy, wonderful relationship, you’re going to have to BUILD the great life first…then, it can attract a healthy woman INTO it.

This is my big preaching - lifestyle lifestyle lifestyle…that is the way to healthy relationships with women…no line or gimmick will get you to the promised land…

Anyway, those are the thoughts rambling thru my head here on Monday morning…as I move my mouse along, and prepare to walk my dog.

This is what I always wanted.

Oh, and I’ve recently made more time for my business - so I should be posting much more regularly going forth. So, stay tuned for regular updates!

Stephen.

Hey there -

I’m good friends with Carlos Xuma…and we have a lot in common in terms of what we teach guys.

One of those topics is SOCIAL SKILLS. Obviously, these are key when meeting and dating women. The great thing about learning social skills though is that they translate into other parts of your life.

I’m all about learning ways to meet and date more women. But, I don’t think it’s smart to micro-focus on that one area. Why? Well, my research has shown that guys who struggle with women ALSO struggle elsewhere in their lives - particularly when it comes to relating to other people.

So, it seems SMART to me to learn skills rather than gimmicks. Skills can be valuable to you in other areas of your life like:

Networking
Social Circle
Family
The Office
Community
School

Virtually anywhere you go, and where there are people, you NEED social skills. If you want to get ahead in school, you NEED social skills. If you want to be a leader in your community, you NEED social skills. If you want to run for local office, you NEED social skills. If you want to be the next Barack Obama, you NEED social skills.

AND, if you want more success with women…YOU NEED SOCIAL SKILLS!

OK, I think I’ve made my point.

Well, Carlos Xuma is launching a product today called “Power Social Skills”, and I highly recommend that you grab a copy fast.

And, in order to give you ample incentive, if you buy Carlos’ program via MY link (below), I’ll throw in a free copy of “Natural Attraction”!

I’ll send you a link where you can download the “Natural Attraction” mp3 files and start listening in 5 minutes. “Natural Attraction” covers EVERYTHING you need to know about meeting women – all the details on “Engage/Hook/Connect”, flirting, storytelling, baiting, connecting, approaching, escalating…you name it!

Did you know that I recorded this audio program just after “Project Hollywood” (the epic adventure Neil Strauss covers in “The Game”)? So, it’s FULL of highly sophisticated techniques on meeting women (that’s putting it mildly).

I also lead you step-by-step through my state of the art exercises to download these skills “Matrix”-style right into your brain. And it usually sells for $349! This is your chance to get it for NOTHING.

This is VERY rare offer…one that I suggest you seize ASAP.

You can get it for free if you buy Carlos’ program via my link below (yes, as I’ve said, this is an affiliate program – full disclosure here, I’ll make a nickel off of this).

Then, all you’ll need to do is send me an email with your receipt of purchase attached, and I will reply with a link to the download page. Pretty simple eh?

You can be listening to Disk 1 of “Natural Attraction” in 5 minutes and work thru the entire program while Carlos’ program ships to you in the mail…but only if you are able to secure your order TODAY (and I hear sales have started VERY well).

Here’s the link. Go check it out right NOW:

Stephen Nash’s Link To Carlos Xuma’s Power Social Skills Program

This link will come down on Thursday, January 17th at 12:30pm eastern time…so get it while you can man.

SN.

Hi there -

I found this today on an article site which features some of my writings…it’s too funny not to pass on:

If men wrote advice columns

Q: My husband wants to have a threesome with me and my best friend.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you’re still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it’s a great time to clean the house, too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A: I’m not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you’ve forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

~Author Unknown

It reminds me of the old 50’s magazine excerpt entitled “The Good Housekeeper’s Guide” or something like that. I’ll post that next week - it’s very funny too, and was actually run in a magazine (you’ve probably seen it though - it’s pretty popular).

Have a good weekend…

SN.

Happy New Year!

This post could be called: the opposite of How To Get A Girlfriend. Today I want to discuss a phenomenon in the dating world called “one-itis”.

Ever hear of it?

Or, worse yet - ever experience it?? Ugh, I hope not man.

This is where you, the guy, become so obsessed with a woman that you literally cannot see other options which exist. The man affilicted with “one-itis” is consumed with the girl’s behavior, her every word, the meaning of all of her actions. He is searching for some clue that will enable him to know that she likes him.

This is no way to get a girlfriend…

I make the argument that women who trigger one-itis are TOXIC for the guy (not ALL guys, but only for the one who has the One-itis). The best course of action here is to drop her immediately. Stop any and all pursuit of her. (In my ebook, How To Get A Girlfriend, I cover exactly what to do to attract high-quality women…but more on that later)

If she changes her behavior, and chases the guy after he drops her, this is OK…but in my experience, highly unlikely.

One-itis is VERY different from the feelings associated with falling in love. My girlfriend and I are very much in love with each other, and never have I felt an ounce of toxicity akin to “one-itis”. Mutual love rarely devolves into obsession, and when it does, it is usually quickly assuaged by true and sincere contact between the two people involved.

Real love is when both parties are interested and available. “One-itis” is when only one party is available (even though the other may be interested)…confused yet?

I remember during the Project Hollywood experiment, we ALL had one-itis at one point. Mystery for Katya, TD for some girl named Celeste (can’t remember if that’s her real name) and I for a girl named Ananda.

We would wake up controlled by the obsession of ‘winning’ her over, of making her ‘ours’. I went to incredible extremes to try and make Ananda my girlfriend. I would drive to her home unannounced, I would engage in absurd text message conversations. TD and I once went to her home after a night out, and we did indeed hook-up.

Did this satisfy me?

Definitely not.

There is something so uncontrollable and slippery about women who are not REALLY available to us. They might say they are, they might even indicate physically that they are (having sex with us, for example), the might contain SOME interest for us, but in their hearts - they are unavailable.

So, they engage us in ‘a game’.

They are intrigued, and interested enough in our approach that they allow us to dangle on the line of pseudo-interest while they get their kicks.

Oh, and I should add, we men are NO different! How many women have I had on the line as ‘an option’ only to see them become so obsessed with me that they call/email/text more and more, trying to be reassured that I am truly interested.

Once I stopped doing this to women, I also stopped experiencing the obsession of “one-itis”.
What you give is what you get, in other words.

This brings me to a very interesting mailbag question I received over the weekend. Let’s hear from him now:

Here’s my dilemma.

I love your book. I have been following your advice- lifting weights, getting into health and fitness. I am taking a computer science class at night school, so I feel like my career is going somewhere too. I signed up for a series of dancing lessons and and there were five girls in the class. After the class, I suggested that we all go across the street for a drink. After a couple of weeks, the cutest one and I hit it off.

She is a smart girl. She taught school and is now going back for her PHD. She reads a lot, has a really close family life and is especially close to her father. She is kind, happy, beuatiful and has similar spiritual beliefs to my own.

We flirted over drinks with the gang a few times and texted each other. I organized a party and she worked the door for a coule of shifts and I hung out with her. She is a great flirt and I tease the hell out of her. I called her on the phone and we had a great conversation for over an hour. Later that week, we went out on a picnic and gently kissed for two hours. She must have said about five times what a great time she had.

Now we haven’t talked for two weeks! I call her every few days and leave a message, she waits a week to call me. All told, I’ve left five messages, she’s left me two.

I think she went home from our picnic, picked up her copy of “The Rules” and said “OMG! I forgot, I am supposed to play hard to get.”

Well, if the purpose of “The Rules” is to get a guy to obsess over a girl.. it’s working! But this is not fun. We had a real connection and it would be bad enough if two weeks went by without seeing each other, but two weeks have gone buy without even talking. Twice already, I have said to myself “Well, I guess it didn’t work out with her, time to move on…” only to have her call me the next day (and I missed the call).

I have gone on dates with other women in the mean time, not real keepers like her, and I wouldn’t worry about her, except she is a real girlfriend-quality woman.

Any advice?

So, the natural impulse here is TO CONTROL. We want to formulate strategies that will enable us to reduce the pain we are experiencing by being unable to control the woman and dictate a certain outcome.

We want to win, we want to feel good.

So, we seek out advice for how to “get the girl”. We want some blueprint which will safely guide us to the finish line of victory.

It does not exist.

What is interesting about this guy’s question is that is really highlights that she IS interested in him. She calls him, she kissed him, she gives just enough interest to keep him - in her mind - as ‘an option’.

He emailed me a few days later remarking that:

Denial is not only a river in Egypt…

It took him one more stab to reveal to him that she was not good for him. Good for him for recognizing it, and dropping her.

The mind is a very intelligent thing, and my belief is that when we slip into obsession we are attempting to control something which is uncontrollable. We have picked-up queue’s which inform us that she is not available. These fly in direct conflict with our desires to date her. Obsession, “one-itis” is the result of this conflict.

“The Game” is a natural result of this phenomenon.

The desire to control women is an age-old struggle. The pain experienced by a broken heart is easily one of the greatest known to mankind.

Why wouldn’t we then attempt to control or govern an outcome?

My argument to guys is when a woman produces such toxicity within you, it is your responsibility to let her go asap. The “one-itis” obsession is extremely painful and imparts tremendous stress and pain in our lives. The arrogance is that we can “win” her even while she impacts us this way.
This is precisely the point at which we MUST drop her and we MUST move on. Our self-esteem depends upon it.

Which leads me to mention my ebook, How To Get A Girlfriend. In my experience, the fastest and most effective way to meet women and to have successful dating relationships is to both build your social SKILLS and your LIFESTYLE.

The way to meet women is through your lifestyle and the answer to how to meet them is through your social skills. If you struggle with either or both, then what are you waiting for??

Both topics are EXACTLY what I cover! In fact, I literally hold you hand through the whole process - it’s really simple, only requiring you to do a few things different every day you read the book.

I cover everything you need to do to go from where you are to lasting success with women. You can be reading it in 5 minutes – seriously. Check it out by following this link:

http://www.how-to-get-a-girlfriend.com/ebook.html

Enjoy, and have a happy new year.

Talk later,

Stephen.

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