Hi there -

Got an interesting mailbag the other day, and thought to convert it into an article, as it highlights some principles I enjoy teaching.

Now, let me preface this discussion by saying this – the GOAL (in some respects) of getting GOOD with women is to never hear the following phrase:

“Let’s Just Be Friends…”

Makes me gag just to type it.

BUT – there are times when it happens…and there is very little we can do about it.

Very little? So, that means there is something we CAN do about it?

YES.

I’ll let my friend Gene pose his question/experience…and I’ll be back in just a moment with some feedback.

“I had a question from a dating experience I had over the last month I wanted to ask you about.

Gene”

Gene –

Good question (Pear-shaped? Can anyone explain?).

Here’s what I would do:

1) Definitely date other women

…that’s a no brainer for sure.

This way, you get your mind off of her and begin to see the other options that are out there. This automatically helps you reclaim some power that this other girl now holds over you.

Waiting for her in ANY form is destructive to your self-esteem. When things are “right” for a relationship, nothing can keep the two of you apart, and after four dates it is “legal” for both parties to call each other with no prompting.

So, we can safely assume here that “friends” is the road…and that there is no other for now.

However, being friends with women is a GOOD thing…

It gives you a woman that is now in your social circle with whom you can socialize…making it easier to meet OTHER women (her friends, for example).

2) Begin to “lead” your social circle (re-read that part of the ebook)

So, organize outings; explore a new neighborhood; check out a new restaurant/venue; do something off-beat, cultural or otherwise adventurous…all with your “crew”.

Be sure to invite the girl in question. Just put her in the rotation of friends you ask to do stuff with.

What happens here is that she begins to see that you are serious about being “friends” and that you aren’t needy for her attention.

This will help deflate whatever bad/wierd feelings remain from the old dating scenario and will help you two “start over”, so to speak…

If there is any real chemistry/connection there, that will take over and something natural can then happen.

I’ve seen plenty of examples where a guy just laid back and opened himself to the “friends” scenario…and guess what? Once he relaxed, she got INTERESTED.

One nice thing about leading your social circle is that by being in the eye of the storm, you become the “high value” person in the group.

If a single woman is along, you instantly become the best option.

Oh, and if there are new women along…they will subconsciously seek your approval when in the pilot position. They’ll be looking to be accepted by the group, and it’s your opinion that matters.

Feel free to bring new women that you are dating along on the outing. A little jealousy plotline never hurts, and it shows her that you’ve truly moved on.

Plus, she might have some cool female friends to bring along…a great way to meet new women.

Clear?

Oh, and one VERY important final word…

Never ever ever give a gift or pay for an expensive meal with a woman that you aren’t SERIOUSLY involved with (you’ve had sex, for example).

Otherwise, it comes across as needy & insecure…let that be clear to everyone reading this.

Over ‘n out…

Stephen.

Since the release of the Third Edition of How To Get A Girlfriend, I’ve been asked to do a number of interviews.

This question comes to me at a time when my life is in full-throttle, and my relationship is as strong as ever. I have to say, I’ve never been happier or more in love than I am now.

Growing an autonomous lifestyle, while building actual self-esteem is THE way to getting a girlfriend…my life is the PROOF of that…

The interviewer wondered about maintaining long-term attraction in a relationship - and in specific, HOW to do this? Here was my response…

For one thing, it is necessary that there be a strong initial chemistry. Let me try to describe that further. I have often found myself out on dates, and felt attracted to the woman (for whatever reason) but knew in my heart that she wasn’t RIGHT for me.

With my current girlfriend – I know in my heart that we are RIGHT for each other. It’s as if she fits the space perfectly within me. Hard to describe that any other way- but that is what chemistry means to me. It would have been impossible to quantify it before really knowing the feeling of it.

Also, this cannot be manipulated or controlled – it either IS or it ISn’t. Finding this is what is so challenging in the dating world.

So, given that that is in place, that leads us to the issue of the relationship and its connection. I’ve found that women tend to place a GREAT deal of importance in their relationship – moreso than men.

For me, my girlfriend is VERY important to me – one of the most important aspects in my life. In order to maintain long term attraction, I find I need to GROW the relationship with her – to be man enough to show up for my end of the bargain.

There is foolish sentiment in existence that attraction in some way relates to playing hard to get…there could be nothing further from the truth in a real relationship. Attraction here means showing-up, being PRESENT, giving LOVE and being open. Half-ass efforts will inspire the same in return, leading to mediocrity, and eventually the downfall of the connection.

In my case, my girlfriend is the most thoughtful, sensitive, loving person I know – so I find that the need to be present, giving and open are paramount. The flow of love is the key – can you feel it?

If so, she can to. Being open and vulnerable in fact INCREASES the sexual tension…contrary to the first sexual encounter, when the unknown draws the chord. These are the times where our connection is the strongest, when the intimacy is the most present. I’d say that’s the goal hidden in your first question.

Essentially, in a real relationship - where the connection actually exists (meaning - both parties have something invested, something on the line…aka, no games at all) - building the connection through sharing life, feelings, fear, etc in fact GROW the connection. Aloofness, fakeness, shallowness, all kill the connection.

Long-term attraction depends upon a growing willingness to be vulnerable, share, and commit. It’s about giving ultimately.

It’s a much larger challenge than meeting or dating women. In fact, it’s a surprising challenge. Naively, I used to believe that the hard part was meeting the right woman…well, it is also very hard to maintain a healthy, dynamic, loving relationship – albeit extremely worthwhile.

I teach a principle to guys, which I call “autonomy”. This is where a man is self-directed, and living a life he can truly call “his own”. What happens when men do this? Interestingly, women become magnetized by his energy and his masculinity.

In order to maintain a relationship with such a woman, this autonomy must now continue. But it must now be accompanied by flexibility, compromise, humility and acceptance. Being autonomous in a true partnership is a massive challenge, and one where I find myself continually needing to be sensitive to my girlfriend’s needs as well as mine. Often, my needs must take a back seat.

Selfishness is the ultimate trait – at least for THIS bachelor – that must be burned off through the course of the relationship. As the needs/wants of the partner, and the partnership rank higher than mine…is when peace and harmony reign in the house.

Autonomy in this case then means serving the aim of the relationship, which is love, intimacy and partnership. No longer are my bachelor wishes/interests valid. Something larger is on the table. Not that I am not allowed to pursue goals and interests – no. But there is a re-prioritization that happens, and it comes from the heart – a deep WISH to find and build a loving partnership.

So, the skills needed to maintain long-term attraction are essentially an extension of those necessary for creating that attraction in the first place: Autonomy, Masculinity and Security. These are the “big three”. Without these in place, a lasting, healthy dynamic can become strained, and can even pay the ultimate price.

Hope that gives you all something to think about…something positive, and healthy. Anyone care about March Madness?

In case you were wondering…Go Tar Heels….

Stephen Nash.

Hey there -

Wanted to get you guys thinking about meeting women in a new way today. Social skills, and active social approaches are all good. But, the passive work of building a personal style…and more importantly…a confident, social VIBE is much more important.

A balanced, holistic approach to meeting and dating was the precise reason that I wrote, rewrote and rewrote again my ebook “How To Get A Girlfriend”.

What I am talking about here all leads to a more empowering, more attractive first impression.

I was recently out with some female friends of mine here in New York City. We were mostly talking about dating and socializing (for some reason, conversations seem to end up on that topic when I am around - haha).

One of my closer friends, let’s call her Amy, was talking about a guy she recently met at a party. Seems innocent enough, right? Well, what she disclosed to me in the next three minutes was like getting more than just a peek behind the veil. I was totally shocked at what she told me.

Before I delve into what her mental processes were, let me remind you - with women, you NEVER get a second chance at a first impression. I find that men tend to reserve judgment for a few moments before arriving at an opinion of a person.

Women, however, tend to form this is a matter of SECONDS. So, if you don’t have your look, vibe & life HANDLED, you are destined for the bottom feeding extravaganza known as sarging, and spending time with GUYS who like to talk about (but never actually DATE) attractive and interesting women.

Women have developed a system of sensitivity over the years that we can NOT relate to. They have a “Creep Meter” (now known forever as CM) that is designed to protect them from predatory, disingenuous posers who masquerade as having their shit together when in reality they are arrogantly assuming that it is OK to play in the “land of make believe”. And, just so we all know, what is small subset of these ne’er-do-wells?

- PUAs (aka, pick-up artists)
- Players
- Serial daters
- Nicely dressed dudes, pockets filled with “things to say” only seeking sexual fulfillment (aka, pick-up artists)

Hopefully this will be a bit repetitive to you who consistently read this blog, but the above subset only attracts its reciprocal – meaning, dimly lit hotties or player girls…which is why they are all chronically single, and mostly spend time with members of their OWN sex. Pretenders attract pretenders…the CM is much too high for women with a reasonably high IQ.

You should be suspicious of the “women experts” out there whose entourage consists of lapdog boys vaguely dressed as the guru…and who “just broke up with their girlfriend”

So, back to my story…what I did was ask her to put her thoughts into WORDS (in an email) so I could directly reproduce it here with no editorializing on my part. Here is the precise mental process of Amy:

First, I noticed his body language – it was like he was subtly leading with his dick. The guy had his head slightly tilted back, like an arrogant snob or something. I felt like he was looking down on me. I then quickly read his tone, it was tense – like he had something to hide. It was too high-pitched for his “too big” posture. I never trust a guy with tense vocal chords, I don’t really know why either. Then, I noticed he was wearing a necklace, and when I asked him about it he had NO idea that the icon in it was in fact an Asian fertility symbol – what a poser! His shirt collar had ring around the collar – how tacky is that! Next, his belt buckle was WAY over the top – classic try hard. I hate it when guys overcompensate for their lack of personality with flash and glitz. He had a slight unibrow, which is often not a huge issue for me, but combined with everything else, made it yet another piece of evidence. His fingernails were all dirty – which is completely inexcusable – and his shoes did not match his clothing. You know, all of this may seem small, and petty. But, I gotta say, all of these small things were completely congruent with his VIBE – there was something about him which was like a real estate salesman who wouldn’t take you into the basement cause he knew it was flooded. I can’t put my finger on it, but he was just CREEPY.

Amy.

Flabbergasting. I mean, what’s a guy to do with all of this analysis going on?? Is there any hope for us? At first, I thought that Amy might be the problem. But all of the other women at the table completely AGREED.

What I later learned was that many of these small things are not a big deal if the VIBE seems cool and trustworthy. A woman is willing to overlook a zit, or a dirty fingernail, if the overall picture is together.

So, how do you know if the overall picture is together? My advice – LOOK AROUND YOU. Are there women in your world? Do you have female friends in your life? If not, you might be setting off CM’s when you meet women.

Women WANT to meet and date cool guys who have REAL lives. If you are not dating interesting, attractive women – you are probably creeping them out.

You can dress this up as much as you want, you can learn all the gimmicks you can get your hands on, you can even model the VERY BEST in the world…and still be single, horny, desperate…and alone.

Hell, at the end of Project Hollywood, we, the so-called BEST, were ALL single. What a joke right! There were guys there teaching men how to pick-up girls who hadn’t been kissed in MONTHS.

The message here is – GET A LIFE…and get a REAL one. That is the ONLY way to meet women. And, as you get that life, LEARN social skills the hard way – by practicing. Guys who set off the CM’s of the world are unsocialized, and are unwilling to practice in order to normalize their behavior around women.

The whole reason I wrote “How To Get A Girlfriend” was to put a system into place that would help develop a guy’s social skills so that he could approach and attract the women he desires. But, also, to provide a way for a guy to fix his internal self-image and have that align with his Look and Vibe.

Frankly, that is the best and most complete way to “up” your success with women man.

So, are you willing?

Talk more later…

SN.

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