Since the release of the Third Edition of How To Get A Girlfriend, I’ve been asked to do a number of interviews.

This question comes to me at a time when my life is in full-throttle, and my relationship is as strong as ever. I have to say, I’ve never been happier or more in love than I am now.

Growing an autonomous lifestyle, while building actual self-esteem is THE way to getting a girlfriend…my life is the PROOF of that…

The interviewer wondered about maintaining long-term attraction in a relationship - and in specific, HOW to do this? Here was my response…

For one thing, it is necessary that there be a strong initial chemistry. Let me try to describe that further. I have often found myself out on dates, and felt attracted to the woman (for whatever reason) but knew in my heart that she wasn’t RIGHT for me.

With my current girlfriend – I know in my heart that we are RIGHT for each other. It’s as if she fits the space perfectly within me. Hard to describe that any other way- but that is what chemistry means to me. It would have been impossible to quantify it before really knowing the feeling of it.

Also, this cannot be manipulated or controlled – it either IS or it ISn’t. Finding this is what is so challenging in the dating world.

So, given that that is in place, that leads us to the issue of the relationship and its connection. I’ve found that women tend to place a GREAT deal of importance in their relationship – moreso than men.

For me, my girlfriend is VERY important to me – one of the most important aspects in my life. In order to maintain long term attraction, I find I need to GROW the relationship with her – to be man enough to show up for my end of the bargain.

There is foolish sentiment in existence that attraction in some way relates to playing hard to get…there could be nothing further from the truth in a real relationship. Attraction here means showing-up, being PRESENT, giving LOVE and being open. Half-ass efforts will inspire the same in return, leading to mediocrity, and eventually the downfall of the connection.

In my case, my girlfriend is the most thoughtful, sensitive, loving person I know – so I find that the need to be present, giving and open are paramount. The flow of love is the key – can you feel it?

If so, she can to. Being open and vulnerable in fact INCREASES the sexual tension…contrary to the first sexual encounter, when the unknown draws the chord. These are the times where our connection is the strongest, when the intimacy is the most present. I’d say that’s the goal hidden in your first question.

Essentially, in a real relationship - where the connection actually exists (meaning - both parties have something invested, something on the line…aka, no games at all) - building the connection through sharing life, feelings, fear, etc in fact GROW the connection. Aloofness, fakeness, shallowness, all kill the connection.

Long-term attraction depends upon a growing willingness to be vulnerable, share, and commit. It’s about giving ultimately.

It’s a much larger challenge than meeting or dating women. In fact, it’s a surprising challenge. Naively, I used to believe that the hard part was meeting the right woman…well, it is also very hard to maintain a healthy, dynamic, loving relationship – albeit extremely worthwhile.

I teach a principle to guys, which I call “autonomy”. This is where a man is self-directed, and living a life he can truly call “his own”. What happens when men do this? Interestingly, women become magnetized by his energy and his masculinity.

In order to maintain a relationship with such a woman, this autonomy must now continue. But it must now be accompanied by flexibility, compromise, humility and acceptance. Being autonomous in a true partnership is a massive challenge, and one where I find myself continually needing to be sensitive to my girlfriend’s needs as well as mine. Often, my needs must take a back seat.

Selfishness is the ultimate trait – at least for THIS bachelor – that must be burned off through the course of the relationship. As the needs/wants of the partner, and the partnership rank higher than mine…is when peace and harmony reign in the house.

Autonomy in this case then means serving the aim of the relationship, which is love, intimacy and partnership. No longer are my bachelor wishes/interests valid. Something larger is on the table. Not that I am not allowed to pursue goals and interests – no. But there is a re-prioritization that happens, and it comes from the heart – a deep WISH to find and build a loving partnership.

So, the skills needed to maintain long-term attraction are essentially an extension of those necessary for creating that attraction in the first place: Autonomy, Masculinity and Security. These are the “big three”. Without these in place, a lasting, healthy dynamic can become strained, and can even pay the ultimate price.

Hope that gives you all something to think about…something positive, and healthy. Anyone care about March Madness?

In case you were wondering…Go Tar Heels….

Stephen Nash.

Write a comment