I’ve seen the good PUAs in the field. I know what a good pick-up looks like. And, I know that most guys cannot do it.
There is a difference between meeting girls, and being a Pick-Up Artist. Most of you know how to meet girls, but you don’t “get” the art of attracting them.
Listen, anyone can learn to approach a girl - and, frankly, you SHOULD learn that. There is countless technology out there designed to help you do JUST THAT (my Natural Art of the Pick-Up being only one). I have witnessed MANY workshops with guys who coach others on the pick-up arts, and only a few can coach them on the true ART of this.
Most of what is happening is teachers showing guys how to APPROACH women. This is fine, but they cannot be called pick-up artists nor do they enjoy the level of success, power and choice reserved for the few who “get” the art involved.
So, what the hell is the art then?
Simple - the ability to attract a woman to you when she isn’t initially attracted to you. This is when you open the conversation (engage, as I say) and she is any form of the following:
If you’ve ever wondered why the “best” PU coaches out there are also good-looking it’s because most of them cannot do this. They truly thrive on looks alone, merely steering the conversation towards escalation, never creating and building attraction and interest because it was already there.
So, the “art” of the pick-up lies in the attraction of the woman. This is highly necessary when she resists you from the outset. Then, and only then, do you need the skills of an artist.
Now, there is a huge difference between a “shit-test” and downright disinterest. A “shit-test” is an IOI, as you have flipped a number of switches, but given her nature, personality and background, she decides to test if you are truly worthy of her interest. Clearly, this is a GOOD thing.
The ability to pass shit-tests is fairly basic in my book, and should be done 80% of the time minimum, as she is already interested in you - she simply demonstrates that in a high-value way, to see what you are made of.
The true “art” comes into play when she turns her back to you, blows you off, courteously listens to you and then dismisses you (my favorite), and otherwise demonstrates TRUE disinterest in you. SHE IS NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU (in other words…sorry for yelling).
This is when the “art” is necessary. What do you do then? You got involved in “this stuff” to get the best women didn’t you? You saw her and approached you and now she shows you she is not interested. What then? Do you just walk away, having given up? Or, do you use actual skill to attract her into your world.
I viewed a video recently of Cajun TenMagnet…seems like a cool enough guy. This is not intended as a flame of him by any means, just citing a good example. On YouTube there is a video of when he wins the Keys to the VIP show (you can find it easily enough). He runs a set with a girl which follows the average form I indicate here. She was initially interested in him, and he simply, skillfully steered the conversation towards a #close. It was well done, and he managed the #close resistance at the end very well.
BUT, this was not art. No. (I have a hunch that he CAN turn a conversation towards attraction, but it wasn’t necessary here). What you see in that video though is what USUALLY happens. The guy had the balls to approach (kudos certainly), she was attracted to him initially, he steers it skillfully (aka, without supplication) towards a close of some sort. Often, this is what happens, and Cajun here does a fine job of it. Bravo to him for even being on that show…that gets him the steel balls award of the year in my book.
A man who can do this is a true artist. Otherwise, like most, he is able to approach, and then just takes those women who are open to his approach and find him initially attractive. An artist he is not. This Is The Norm.
Now, the nice thing about Project Hollywood (one of the few) was that the wheat was separated from the chaff. There was a group of us there who were good, and who could assess the abilities of the others. We all knew who was an artist, and who was an approacher - and there were very few artists. We were vetted by each other, and we were helped by each other to raise our abilities. There was no hiding behind a chat board, website, or even a blog. We could watch each other, and could witness first-hand the artists vs the approachers.
Nowadays, that isn’t possible - which is precisely why we have so many companies out there coaching guys…and very few social artists. I do believe coaching guys on approaching women is a GREAT skill to focus on, and is probably as far as most students will get anyway - as the ability to pass thru the threshold into mastering the “art” takes tremendous, tremendous effort.
Thoughts? Comments? Flames?
Let em rip.
Sn.
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It’s easy to get swept away with marketing, forums, blogs, posts, profiles, threads, comments and hype. It’s common to bounce around from forum, to blog, to site seeking some answers only to leave them all more confused than when you started. All of this eventually renders you clueless and PARALYZED. The key to this, like anything, is ACTION.
Be bad, for now…love it, embrace it, go with it. Yes, SUCK with women. BUT, start learning ways to be good and be patient with yourself (THE key). There is no magic bullet my man, and if there was someone would have found it and be selling it by now. But, beware of the HYPE that exists. You are entering a market of activity, with people competing for your attention and your dollar.
In other words, there is a LOT of information out there appealing to the “new guy”. There are a lot of gurus, and there are a lot of non-gurus…
Now, it’s only normal (these days) to go to the internet looking for answers. I did it, and found a great deal of help and success down the line. I mean, look at me now - I’ve got a great life, life with my girlfriend, work from home…I have the love of my life here, so I sure can’t complain about what the community has given me. BUT, I can sympathize with new guys who might be (who should be) confused about where to go for help out there in this crazy “pick-up” community.
The good news? It comes in 7 parts (kind of like a scale, or a spectrum…get my drift?):
First - read Neil’s book “The Game“. From there, you will see who was at Project Hollywood and who wasn’t. Now, there are many guys who weren’t at ProHo who are good guys and have something to offer. BUT, you can be damn sure that the guys who were there aren’t hiding behind an internet profile and are the real deal when it comes to “pick-up”. We were vetted, so to speak, by simply being there in the extraordinary think-tank that it was. We all learned from each other, and are all VERY good at meeting and attracting women.
Second - avoid reading tons of blogs and newsletters that exist. Pick a few and go with them. I still think asf is a good site to use as a forum (though I’ll be launching one soon…which will rival any and all) and think that a few others should be your limit (Thundercat’s site is fun, and useful, for example). Every guru has a newsletter series, and I suggest signing-up for 3 of them:
Mine (Of course right, but it provides a simple, healthy, balanced view of pick-up & the game)
Mystery OR Style’s (for the extremes…some of which might click with you) &
One other
Now, a word about David D. Listen, I love the guy and found his work a few years ago to be pretty helpful. It was a privilege appearing on his interview series, and speaking at his various seminars. But, once I got past the very very basic stage, his “stuff” wasn’t a real help to me. You see, the guy isn’t really a PUA. Now, he has found a few gimmicks which are tremendously helpful in getting guys MOVING. But, as for anything more intermediate, and advanced…he’s not your guy. Should you read his ebook and sign-up for his eletter? Sure, as there are some really killer tips in there. Most guys though need more…they need a philosophy, and they need real training wheels which will get them active and engaged in REAL interactions with women.
Only register for podcasts of those gurus whose newsletters you receive. There are many ways up the mountain, but it’s far better to narrow the volume of info you receive to a FEW. To expose yourself to too much is overkill and will (again) paralyze you.
Third - post an internet profile. Use Match, Nerve, eharmony, singles.net…whichever. You’re not looking to meet Ms. Right - though if you do, don’t kick her to the curb…PLEASE. The idea with internet dating is to PRACTICE and get your body used to being in front of real women. Many guys haven’t been with a woman for a meaningful amount of time for a while. At the least, you spend some time with a woman, and start to have real experiences with real women. Good stuff. And, if you take advantage of tip #5, you will be able to start practicing real-live social skills with real-live women. That’s a GOOD thing man. And, it’s the only way to success. If you’re bad for a while, don’t sweat it - we all were, and it’s a rites of passage.
(Someday ask me about the girl who literally got up from the table at Cafe Mogador here and walked out of the restaurant after I C&F’d her for the ump-teenth time - dude, it sucked, but I learned a TON from it)
Fourth - approach 3 women per day. Watch this video if you are clueless how to do it. Here, I demonstrate the “Jealous Girlfriend” opener. It’s one of many that work VERY regularly and will work for you:
Again, be willing to SUCK…and soon, you will be good. All of us had to be bad for awhile before we were good. It’s just a fact and it does no one a bit of good to sugar coat that my man.
Fifth - BUY A PROGRAM and use it (and only it) for 6 months. Most guys offer a comprehensive audio or DVD program which will teach you everything you need to know about being good at meeting and attracting women. I don’t care whose you use…well, that’s actually a lie, as I do suggest you use mine, The Natural Art of the Pick-Up.
Pick one program and go with it. Use it, wear it out, try everything in it. Listen to it 5 times, read it 5 times, and do everything it asks you to do. There are a ton of programs/products out there my friend. MOST of them will help you A LOT. The problem most guys have though is that they expect it to be a “quick fix” and an “easy solution” to the problem. Once they begin to be asked to lean into their comfort zones, they start looking for an easier, softer way.
There is no easier, softer way. And, regardless of who is marketing to you, their program will NOT BE EASIER! You will have to work thru your challenges, and most of the guru’s out there can help you do just that. BUT, you have to stick with them and not distract yourself with the massive volumes of information that exist out there.
That becomes a hindrance and a distraction. Things you DON’T NEED.
Sixth, if you need it…do a bootcamp. Save your seminar and workshop money, and find someone you really trust, with great reviews, and who really walks the walk. Register for his bootcamp and dive in WHOLE HOG. If they don’t deliver, get your money back - there are charlatans out there…and you shouldn’t be the victim of their marketing.
BUT, only do a bootcamp if the take-home program you choose doesn’t get you over the hump. If it’s a good one (like mine) it will do so, and it will offer ongoing support to work you through your nuanced issues.
LAST, Lucky #7, get a wingman. A partner in crime is essential. My guy was a super-cool dude from Israel Michel. We went out 3-4 nights per week, and practiced, had tons of fun, and formed a killer friendship. We have STORIES man! We helped each other, encouraged each other, and had each other’s back when the shit went down (and it did a few times…).
A good wing is critical. There will be nights when you don’t feel it, don’t want to go out, when you get blown-out 10 times in a row, when you want to just get drunk at the bar. A few nights of these in a row, and you’ll give up. This is when you need your wing to pick you up.
Find a guy in your local lair, or on meet-up, or on PAIR (asf’s wingman meetup system), or just recruit a buddy from the hood. Just find a dude that you LIKE and who is at your skill level. Michel and I met on an online forum (similar to asf) and realized we both dug Kung-Fu. We started hanging out, and picking-up girls as we did stuff around NYC. He’s an awesome guy, and he helped me tremendously.
If you do these 7 things, you will find success bro.
Your list of 5 enemies are:
- Impatience
- Frustration
- “Fuck-it” (you give up)
- TMI (too much information, see above) &
- Paralysis (as opposed to action - action being the only way out of your situation)
Been working a lot with video recently, and created this little film today. It is a clip of me describing the “opinion opener” last weekend at a talk I gave here in NYC. In it, I use my former roommate Neil Strauss’ “Jealous Girlfriend” opener.
I have a number of these, and I’ll be posting them on Fridays into the foreseeable future - to get you primed for the weekend.
Apologies for the sound quality. I plan to use better mics going forward…but, it’s a start, right?
Wanted to get a post going here that listed the signs that a woman wants you to approach her.
Some of these are obvious, and some are very subtle. But all should be known by a guy who is looking to meet more women.
Also, this list excludes the very obvious scenarios like her approaching you for example.
One caveat: if a woman does NOT provide you with one of these, it doesn’t now mean you have an excuse NOT to approach you…got that?
OK - here goes my preliminary list, which I will add to over the next few days.
Guys - if you have any to add, just fill-in a comment below and let’s pull together a very solid list here:
- Looks at you a bit longer than is “usual”
- Looks back to you more than once - the classic “double-take”
- Smiles at you (duh)
- Goes out of her way for you to notice her (walks past your table, when there are more direct ways to where she is going)
- Within her locale, shifts her body language to be more open to you
- If adjacent, raises her voice so that you can hear her
- Accidentally “bumps” into you
- Drops something near you hoping you will pick it up
- Pushes her hair out of the way, so that you can see more clearly her face
- Subtly allows you to see more clearly what she is going; so, if she is reading, she will be sure you can see the book/magazine giving you an opening (subtle, but true IME)
Wanted to pass along today a story from my archive…(am going to do this weekly now until the end of the year)
During the Project Hollywood experiment (almost four years ago - WOW), I was known as PlayboyLA, or just – Playboy, which was the name Neil Strauss used for me in “The Game”.
I was part of a DYD (Double Your Dating - David DeAngelo) seminar in Sydney, Australia. This report takes place over a few days.
A rainy Tuesday in NYC calls for…a fun/nutso story from my archive…
During the Project Hollywood experiment, I was known as PlayboyLA, or just – Playboy (the name Neil used for me in “The Game”).
I used to work for a pick-up company, and the following is a lay-report from those times (posted on ASF). I was giving a program in NYC. This report takes place over a few days.
I’ve decided to post these sporadically (Tuesday’s until the end of the year), to give a sense of me when I was a PUA. I think they are interesting and fun to read. I also hope you can see from these what sort of skill level I’ve attained, and how seriously I take this area of my life.
Just so you understand the “code”, here are a few explanations before we start:
I have received a number of emails this week from guys wanting to know cool ideas for Halloween costumes.
What they are REALLY asking are what are some ways to get attention with their costume, and even have people (read: WOMEN) approach you.
Well, you could always dress as Hugh Hefner – fully robed, with slippers. Of course, unless you have the standard two gorgeous blondes on each arm, the costume seems incomplete doesn’t it?
Here are some ideas that will help you be both cool, and approachable, on Halloween.
1) Props. Wear or carry props that will invoke curiosity. A few years ago, I dressed up as a vending machine. It was a simple idea: just wear all black clothing, and cover yourself with candy (attached by tape, or small specs of glue). People will be both intrigued by your creativity, and will also want to get some candy! Wear this costume, and watch as people approach you all night long.
2) Shiny is best. If you want to be noticed, wear things which are bright, shiny and even…electric. I have a friend who has a scrolling message board he wears on Halloween. You can program in certain phrases or sayings which grab people’s attention (obviously). Women are naturally drawn towards flashy, interesting objects. Why, you say? By wearing a flashy, shiny costume you are communicating socially that you want to be approached. Simple, and effective.
3) Controversy. If you want attention, embrace controversy. For example, a friend of mine last year went out as Michael Jackson. As part of his costume, he attached a pair of boys briefs to the lips of the mask! This was quite the attention-getter. People would naturally remark about his costume, and he was thusly able to meet LOTS of people.
Guys typically communicate socially that they do not want to be approached. Their look is conservative, and geared towards “fitting-in”.
Halloween is a time to throw caution to the wind, and try something outrageous. Use your creativity, and add a little bait to the costume (candy ALWAYS works). This way, you are telling people to come talk to you.
Of course, once they do approach you, you then have to know how to communicate with them. If you don’t have that piece mastered, then it’s time you checked out my ebook by clicking here.
Seriously, it is THE primer for dating mastery – why waste another second with questions, when $49 gets you all the answers?
What’s the use in grabbing their attention, if you have no follow-thru!
Most importantly, have fun on Halloween. Be intelligent about what you wear, and allow your costume to work FOR you. Challenge yourself NOT to fit in.
You will see that when you don’t, you tend to get a LOT of attention!
Don’t worry, it happens to each and every one of us. We meet a woman, she is gorgeous, intelligent, and seems into us. And then, just as we are about to move to kiss her, she throws up her hands and delivers the CLASSIC line:A
Let’s Just Be Friends
Ugh…our hearts drop, we feel embarrassed, and our masculinity plummets. What happened? What went wrong?
There is no fail-safe method to preventing this, but there are some tried and true tips to help stave-off this dreaded phrase. Here we go:
1) Be physical. No, I don’t mean wrestle with her, but I do mean for you to TOUCH her. Perhaps you just met her, and have been talking for 5-10 minutes – touch her lightly on the hand or the shoulder. Or, you are out on your first date, offer your arm to her as you cross the street or subtly place your hand on her lower back. These are masculine moves, which signal to her that this is a romantic interaction, not a “friendly” one.
2) Be bold. Ultimately guys, she is looking to you to be both sensitive to her and to the moment. If the window opens for a kiss, be bold, and go for it. If you allow too many of these to pass, the energy changes, and you classify YOURSELF as a “friend”. Even if she rejects your advance, it is far better to go for it that not. You get nowhere fast by hoping a kiss magically happens. If she does reject you, this doesn’t mean you cannot try again later. Also, she may be saving you a lot of time by indicating that she simply is not interested in you. Better to find out now…
3) Challenge her. Too often we are so eager to please the woman that we fail to be ourselves. If we are really focused and moving our lives forward, our attractiveness to women increases tremendously. In my ebook, “How To Get A Girlfriend”, I discuss this in length. A woman, intuitively, biologically, is seeking a man who will be firm and steadfast in his resolve, and his purpose. The way we demonstrate this is in not accepting her at her fullest. So, if you feel that she is not really living up to her potential, TELL HER. If she is allowing herself to slip into mediocrity, TELL HER. Do it tenderly, and with love, but be sure to do it. Don’t accept less than her best.
There you go guys. If you can do these three things with consistency, you will never find yourself hearing those awful words again…”Let’s Just Be Friends”. There will be times when you do not get the girl, but you will always be firm in your purpose maintaining your integrity. And, you will be better prepared for the NEXT girl, just around the corner.
If you want to know more about EXACTLY how to incorporate this belief set, and skyrocket your dating success, check out my ebook “How To Get A Girlfriend”. You can download it to your computer, and be reading it in less than 5 minutes. Want to get this area handled ASAP? Go for it now.
Also, if you have questions that you feel are suitable for our mailbag series, feel free to email them to me at: Stephen@ceimageconsulting.com.
Mailbag time gentlemen. This is where we take a particularly interesting question from someone that we feel challenges A LOT of guys out there. Today’s covers a particularly sensitive topic – how to go for the kiss. Most guys won’t admit it, but they fumble this moment like a rookie running back. Want to be Walter Payton? Listen up:
Dear Stephen,
Recently, I was out on a date with a great girl I met at a party. A number of times in the evening, she would look at me and hold the stare a bit longer than usual. I kept thinking, “she wants me to kiss her”. I was so nervous though, that I never went for it! What is the best way to set-up a kiss with a girl? I mean, I know how to kiss her, I just wonder if there is a cool way to make the move. Help!
Thanks,
Darren
CT
Darren, Darren, Darren…I feel your pain, man. First of all, don’t worry – this is by far the TOP question I get from guys. “How do I smoothly go from talking to kissing?” Surprisingly, even the most skilled guys I’ve come across are constantly looking to handle this tricky situation a bit better.
Here we go – the step-by-step guide to being super smooth when it’s time to smooch:
In my estimation, this is where most guys blow it. They know the girl is ready to be kissed, yet they freeze up and pass a bunch of good opportunities to make a move, waiting for that perfect one. Even worse, they’ll wait hoping the woman will make the first move.
If you’re the kind of guy who hesitates, I got news for you… There are no perfect windows of opportunity, just many good ones, and 99% of the time she will not be the first to initiate any form of intimacy. If she does, consider yourself lucky.
How do we handle this slightly awkward situation? Very simply. The key here is spotting these good, small windows of opportunity and then taking advantage of them. Still better is to just create these windows yourself. I have covered a lot more steps in my e-book “How To Get A Girlfriend” but for now I have just illustrated a basic technique.
Let’s cover this point-by-point:
1) The first thing to make sure of is that you’re both having a good time, getting along well and physical contact has been established. It could be anything from holding hands, to a playful push on the shoulder. At this point it is important that she has touched you in some way indicating interest on her part.
2) When you feel you have reached this point, start slowing down the energy of the interaction. Start subtly moving a bit closer to her, slowing down your speech, and take longer pauses between sentences. The thought here is SUBTLE.
3) Now here’s the secret, the one move that will assure you to be remembered by her as the smoothest guy ever… During each of those pauses in your conversation, stare at her lips. You can even start talking again, though slowly, still staring at her lips. Start slowly moving in closer. The words you’re saying at this point become irrelevant; the sexual tension in the air will be too thick.
4) Slowly move your eyes from her mouth to her eyes and back again. If she has not moved away, or shown any sign of unease, you can place a hand on her hip and bring her in closer.
5) Usually she will lean in the rest of the way and kiss you. After all, at this stage, your lips should only be an inch or two away from hers.
Congratulations! In her mind, you are the world’s smoothest man.
If you have questions that you feel would be appropriate for our mailbag, send me a note by filling in the form at:
Often, your question is on the minds of many guys. So, go ahead and ask it! Also, as you might imagine, I get a lot of emails. When you send me your question, please put “Mailbag” in the subject line.
"The Red Queen" by Matt Ridley
"Way of the Superior Man" by David Deida
"The Game" by Neil Strauss
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