I thought that since today is such a poignant day in my history, that I’d post something a bit more personal.
7 years ago, I was in the west village and observed - rather closely - the 9-11 attacks. I smelled the dust, panicked in the streets, comforted strangers, volunteered my time and energy, and came to appreciate my life in a new way.
It was during that extraordinary time in my life that I made a decision to stop being so damn ordinary.
Looking back, I’m on a nice road with that. I no longer work for a “company”, I work for myself - doing this, mostly. And, I’ve revived a theater career and am working towards directing a production next spring and fall.
Also, I try to lean into my comfort zone on a daily basis…trying new things, destroying the structures and limitations I’ve defined for myself - right or wrong. Sometimes this is subtle, like breaking a routine (I shower every day at 11:30am for example…I walk the dog at 2pm…etc) and sometimes it’s dramatic, like changing the nature of my relationship to my father, or committing to revive my creative work.
But, I still feel short of my goal of being a true individual. It’s a road that I am on, and am growing towards. This world has enough boring, ordinary people (interestingly, boring men tend to suck with women). I’m certainly not one of them, but I still feel short of the real goal of being myself. In a way, that’s a GOOD thing as it can inspire me forward. Frankly, it does inspire me forward.
So, my question to YOU is…how are you? Not in the “fine, how are you?” sense - but in the “am I really living MY life?” sense. Are you ordinary? It’s kind of important to know, I think.
I’d love to hear about that, particularly today. Perhaps women and pick-up aren’t on our minds, particularly on September 11th.
We get the NY Times daily here, and I was just taking a break over some coffee and stumbled across a VERY intriguing article in the Science section.
I’ve been hearing a lot about EHarmony, and their way of working - which basically entails (if I am reading this correctly) filling in a 250+ question personality profile and then THEY set you up with “matches”…and you don’t get to browse…am I right?
I’d LOVE to hear from guys who have tried this and seen/not seen results.
Anyone?
The article follows btw. But, I’m highly skeptical of these personality profiles.
I guess I am a bit “old school” and think it’s unlikely that a thought-out questionnaire could indicate potential chemistry between people. It seems so much more about feeling/emotion and type etc.
Chemistry can’t be quantified, in other words.
EHarmony claims to be responsible for 2% of all marriages last year…HARD to believe frankly. They hired a firm to do their research for them. Seems sort of like a candidate hiring someone to do straw polls.
Well, I’d love to hear from you with your feedback - particularly if you’ve done EHarmony or any of the other personality tests they mention here: chemistry.com (apparently you send in a swab of your DNA!), perfectmatch.com & eharmony.com.
Oh, and if you’re interested in getting REALLY GOOD at internet dating, check out what David D has to say about it here:
PASADENA, Calif. — The two students in Southern California had just been introduced during an experiment to test their “interpersonal chemistry.” The man, a graduate student, dutifully asked the undergraduate woman what her major was.
“Spanish and sociology,” she said.
“Interesting,” he said. ‘‘I was a sociology major. What are you going to do with that?”
“You are just full of questions.”
“It’s true.”
“My passion has always been Spanish, the language, the culture. I love traveling and knowing new cultures and places.”
Bogart and Bacall it was not. But Gian Gonzaga, a social psychologist, could see possibilities for this couple as he watched their recorded chat on a television screen.
They were nodding and smiling in unison, and the woman stroked her hair and briefly licked her lips — positive signs of chemistry that would be duly recorded in this experiment at the new eHarmony Labs here. By comparing these results with the couple’s answers to hundreds of other questions, the researchers hoped to draw closer to a new and extremely lucrative grail — making the right match.
Once upon a time, finding a mate was considered too important to be entrusted to people under the influence of raging hormones. Their parents, sometimes assisted by astrologers and matchmakers, supervised courtship until customs changed in the West because of what was called the Romeo and Juliet revolution. Grown-ups, leave the kids alone.
But now some social scientists have rediscovered the appeal of adult supervision — provided the adults have doctorates and vast caches of psychometric data. Online matchmaking has become a boom industry as rival scientists test their algorithms for finding love.
The leading yenta is eHarmony, which pioneered the don’t-try-this-yourself approach eight years ago by refusing to let its online customers browse for their own dates. It requires them to answer a 258-question personality test and then picks potential partners. The company estimates, based on a national Harris survey it commissioned, that its matchmaking was responsible for about 2 percent of the marriages in America last year, nearly 120 weddings a day.
Another company, Perfectmatch.com, is using an algorithm designed by Pepper Schwartz, a sociologist at the University of Washington at Seattle. Match.com, which became the largest online dating service by letting people find their own partners, set up a new matchmaking service, Chemistry.com, using an algorithm created by Helen E. Fisher, an anthropologist at Rutgers who has studied the neural chemistry of people in love.
As the matchmakers compete for customers — and denigrate each other’s methodology — the battle has intrigued academic researchers who study the mating game. On the one hand, they are skeptical, because the algorithms and the results have not been published for peer review. But they also realize that these online companies give scientists a remarkable opportunity to gather enormous amounts of data and test their theories in the field. EHarmony says more than 19 million people have filled out its questionnaire.
Its algorithm was developed a decade ago by Galen Buckwalter, a psychologist who had previously been a research professor at the University of Southern California. Drawing on previous evidence that personality similarities predict happiness in a relationship, he administered hundreds of personality questions to 5,000 married couples and correlated the answers with the couples’ marital happiness, as measured by an existing instrument called the dyadic adjustment scale.
The result was an algorithm that is supposed to match people on 29 “core traits,” like social style or emotional temperament, and “vital attributes” like relationship skills. (For details: nytimes.com/tierneylab.)
“We’re not looking for clones, but our models emphasize similarities in personality and in values,” Dr. Buckwalter said. “It’s fairly common that differences can initially be appealing, but they’re not so cute after two years. If you have someone who’s Type A and real hard charging, put them with someone else like that. It’s just much easier for people to relate if they don’t have to negotiate all these differences.”
Does this method actually work? In theory, thanks to its millions of customers and their fees (up to $60 a month), eHarmony has the data and resources to conduct cutting-edge research. It has an advisory board of prominent social scientists and a new laboratory with researchers lured from academia like Dr. Gonzaga, who previously worked at a marriage-research lab at U.C.L.A.
So far, except for a presentation at a psychologists’ conference, the company has not produced much scientific evidence that its system works. It has started a longitudinal study comparing eHarmony couples with a control group, and Dr. Buckwalter says it is committed to publishing peer-reviewed research, but not the details of its algorithm. That secrecy may be a smart business move, but it makes eHarmony a target for scientific critics, not to mention its rivals.
In the battle of the matchmakers, Chemistry.com has been running commercials faulting eHarmony for refusing to match gay couples (eHarmony says it can’t because its algorithm is based on data from heterosexuals), and eHarmony asked the Better Business Bureau to stop Chemistry.com from claiming its algorithm had been scientifically validated. The bureau concurred that there was not enough evidence, and Chemistry.com agreed to stop advertising that Dr. Fisher’s method was based on “the latest science of attraction.”
Dr. Fisher now says the ruling against her last year made sense because her algorithm at that time was still a work in progress as she correlated sociological and psychological measures, as well as indicators linked to chemical systems in the brain. But now, she said, she has the evidence from Chemistry.com users to validate the method, and she plans to publish it along with the details of the algorithm.
“I believe in transparency,” she said, taking a dig at eHarmony. “I want to share my data so that I will get peer review.”
Until outside scientists have a good look at the numbers, no one can know how effective any of these algorithms are, but one thing is already clear. People aren’t so good at picking their own mates online. Researchers who studied online dating found that the customers typically ended up going out with fewer than 1 percent of the people whose profiles they studied, and that those dates often ended up being huge letdowns. The people make up impossible shopping lists for what they want in a partner, says Eli Finkel, a psychologist who studies dating at Northwestern University’s Relationships Lab.
“They think they know what they want,” Dr. Finkel said. “But meeting somebody who possesses the characteristics they claim are so important is much less inspiring than they would have predicted.”
The new matchmakers may or may not have the right formula. But their computers at least know better than to give you what you want.
Thoughts? Comments? Let em rip! Remember, what you contribute here will help your fellow brethren…so, do it for your karma!
I found this today on an article site which features some of my writings…it’s too funny not to pass on:
If men wrote advice columns
Q: My husband wants to have a threesome with me and my best friend.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you’re still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it’s a great time to clean the house, too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex and cooking him a nice meal.
Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I’m not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you’ve forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
~Author Unknown
It reminds me of the old 50’s magazine excerpt entitled “The Good Housekeeper’s Guide” or something like that. I’ll post that next week - it’s very funny too, and was actually run in a magazine (you’ve probably seen it though - it’s pretty popular).
David DeAngelo, author of “Double Your Dating”, has moved on to his NEXT venture…I must say - it looks AMAZING.
I’ve known David for some time now, having been featured on his programs and in his “Interviews With Dating Gurus” Series. I have the utmost respect for him as a person, and a businessman.
The differences between men and women are rarely more apparent then when it comes to shopping for clothing. Women relish in the experience while guys can’t wait for it to end. The whole process of trying on sizes, picking colors, and walking around the store is detested by most men.
Usually they will buy on impulse, to hasten their exit from the store. The result is a poorly assembled wardrobe.
Ten years ago guys didn’t have any other option than to go through the process described above. Luckily, this isn’t the case today. With the internet, there are MANY options for every level of shopper; whether they are looking for bargains, luxury items, or luxury items for a bargain.
The sole caveat to shopping on the internet is that you need to know your size. Most sites that sell clothing have detailed sizing charts you can use to see if a particular item will fit.
To best know your size, go to a local tailor shop and have them measure you. Be thorough; the most important is your chest, waist, hips, arms, neck, and inseam. You can later match these up to the size scales on the web.
Almost every label you can buy at the mall or in a department store is now online. J. Crew, Banana Republic, L.L. Bean, Ralph Lauren and Nike are all easily available on their own websites.
Each has a liberal return policy also, so no need to worry about getting stuck with items that don’t fit.
Otherwise, the internet is great for getting luxury apparel at bargain basement prices.
Do a search on eBay for Kiton or Borrelli and find these $4,000 suits selling for only a quarter of the price. Likewise www.yoox.com and www.bluefly.com offer up to 80% off on designer sportswear, as well as tailored clothing.
You can even get custom shirts done cheap at www.bestcustomshirt.com or www.landsend.com. There are limitless opportunities for great deals online.
The best thing about shopping on the internet is that you don’t even have to leave your house or office. You can double your wardrobe for a fraction of the money and time I have covered a lot of this in my ebook “How To Get A Girlfriend”
Needless to say, you’ll probably end up look more stylish than ever without having the hassle of traditional shopping…
Guys - this is an interesting clip that deals with how much you can change a face/image with photoshop et al - pretty amazing…featured on my new, favorite addiction - YouTube:
Here’s the link to it. It’s written by Evan Mark Katz, and I have reprinted it here:
Of all the things that clients (especially men) ask me to help them with, the most common query involves assistance with writing introductory emails. And while I never write emails for others, the request makes perfect sense. After all, most people’s profiles don’t exactly give you a ton of material to work with, do they? So how do you cobble together something from a pile of nothing? Well, you can start by remembering these three basic rules:
1. If someone else can say it, don’t say it. It’s not that “You’ve got a great smile, let’s go out sometime” is a bad opener. It’s just so…easy. And easy equals common. Ask yourself if what you’re writing sounds completely original. If not, the person you’re contacting probably has 10 emails just like yours sitting on the computer screen.
2. Cut to the chase. Don’t waste time with a whole bunch of text that doesn’t tell the recipient anything new. Consider a message like this:
Dear JB,
I read your profile and thought it was really amazing. Plus, you’re really cute. So please look at my profile and if you like what I had to say, write back to me when you get a chance.
Yours,
Evan
Every line of this message can be thrown out. Why? Because anyone whom you contact knows by virtue of you writing to them that a) you liked their profile, b) you liked their photo and c) youd like a reply. So why say any of it? Better to come up with a fun, unique angle.
3. Be flirty. Be confident. Be different. Keep in mind that YOU are the commodity here. Even though you’re writing to someone out of the blue, do so with the belief that this person would be lucky to have you. If you’re too complimentary in that initial email, you can come off as desperate and needy. So don’t go overboard. Say a couple of funny, coy lines and get out. Your profile ultimately does the selling; your email just has to pique their interest.
Separate yourself from the pack
Still, the question remains: how do you say something original and flirty? That, my friends, is what separates the most successful online daters from the rest of the pack.
Here are three steps to set you on the right path. In this case, I’ve written them for men replying to women, but the steps are applicable to everyone:
Step 1: Read her profile closely. Every word of it. Remember, that’s why she wrote it because she wants you to get to know her, not because she wants to be told for the umpteenth time that she’s hot. Men who treat women as unique and interesting individuals stand a much greater shot of receiving a response.
The thing is, even if she’s interesting, she most likely wrote a whole bunch of clichs in her profile: “I’m nice, smart, kind, warm, funny, honest and family-oriented. I like hiking, biking, movies, music, travel. I’m looking for my best friend, lover and partner in crime for a lifetime of love and laughter.” (Scary how easy it is to approximate the typical online dating profile, isn’t it?) Obviously, there’s not much to respond to here. Even a specific response like “I noticed you enjoy biking. What trail do you ride on?” is kind of bland, although it is sincere. So let’s think outside the box, shall we?
Step 2: Find the most interesting tidbit in her entire profile. NOT the thing you like the most, NOT the thing you find most attractive, NOT the thing you have in common. The most interesting tidbit in her profile is the thing that sounds like it couldn’t have been written by anybody else in the world. It might be how she hates pigeons. It might be how she was once a foot model. It might be how she doesn’t know how to program her TiVo. Whatever it is, take her quirky tidbit and turn it into your pickup line.
Step 3: Write something that’s not true. Yes, you heard me correctly. The most effective way to catch someone’s attention in an initial email is with fiction. Why? Because the truth, as we’ve established, is boring.
Yes, you think she’s attractive.
Yes, you think her profile is entertaining.
Yes, you think it’s cool that she also likes Robert DeNiro movies and skiing in Vail.
But does any of that sound like a good pickup line to you? Not really. Dig deeper.
Step 4: Take her factoid and apply it to yourself in a fictional fashion. The sillier and more over-the-top your email, the funnier it’ll be. A good joke doesn’t require an explanation it’s obviously a joke. For example, if you’re writing to the foot model, you might say:
Once upon a time, I was a knee model. Great money, tons of fame, you know the deal Then I skinned my knee when rollerblading. I never modeled again.
Lets drink to our fashion careers,
Evan
Sure, it’s a little goofy, but people actually respond to this stuff. Why? Because it’s different, it’s audacious and, in a strange way, it’s kind of smart. Most importantly, it’s confident. It’s not an idle compliment or a generic, “Ooh, look what we have in common” line. It’s a joke and, as we all know, people like people who make them laugh.
Wanna try again? Let’s take the TiVo woman.
Start your comment in the subject heading of the email, like this…
TiVo for Dummies
I can fix your computer, landscape your backyard and probably even hotwire your car, but, for some reason, TiVo programming seems to elude me as well. So if youre interested in watching the entire season of When Animals Attack in Spanish with subtitles…Im definitely your guy.
Talk to you soon,
Evan
Shake things up a little
If these kinds of emails don’t work for you, no problem. Humor is subjective. Just keep in mind that the confidence it takes to write an email like that is compelling. Playing it safe is fine, but if an attractive person has dozens, if not hundreds, of options, you need to shake things up a little bit to break through the clutter. Now what are you gonna say to that pigeon-hater?
Check out the link at the bottom of this article. It is a discussion on Fall Fashion, for both men and women, in the workplace. The men’s piece is particularly good - though broad - I like it because it is not too fancy, and is applicable across many environments. Here is an excerpt, which focuses on men’s fashion:
“Men, contrary to popular belief, have more fashion choices than ever. And this fall’s trends are timeless in their appeal.
It’s important to incorporate your own personal style in your clothing while remaining professional. “Don’t succumb to trends that will label you a fashion victim,” warns Lloyd. Translation: Don’t try too many trends at once. Stick to one that flatters your personality and build your look around it.
One thing every man should have in his wardrobe is a classic blazer. It goes with everything, from jeans to trousers. And it’s timeless. “It’s better to have one good jacket and wear it with different shirts or sweaters than five average jackets,” says Dan Peres, Editor in Chief of Details magazine.
In a corporate environment, where ties are often required, a school striped tie is featured on runways this fall. It’s elegant when paired with a streamlined navy suit. This trend adds a sense of fun and personality without making a bold, over-the-top statement.
When not wearing a tie, try layering a thin sweater - crew or V-neck - over a button-down shirt. It’s very James Bond, especially when worn with a jacket. But this is best done on lean, tall frames, lest you look bulky.
“You can communicate personal style through accessories - or a beautiful sweater - and stand out,” says Peres, who says that pocket squares, watches, cufflinks, and socks (read: never white ones!) are items men can use to express who they are. That, and perhaps a military-inspired jacket. This, however, should not be taken too literally. “It’s not about Salvation Army,” says Buckingham, but rather, “a subtle peacoat with great gold buttons, which can be very American-classic.”
Going with quality offers a measure of polish, which says more than you’d think. Adds Peres, “Polish shows you care about your job - and yourself.” He feels that men should avoid, at all costs, ripped jeans, raggedy T-shirts, and things that don’t fit well, no matter how creative or casual the work environment. And in a corporate atmosphere, anything unpolished should not even be considered.”
This article represents my PRECISE problem with the self-help industry and why most advice out there on dating (for men and women). Any tip, in my experience, which asks you to go into your head and attempt to rewire it with “think new empowering thoughts” without PRACTICAL suggestion and advice as to how to act yourself into right thinking (an old adage, which is VERY effective) is horribly misdirected and completely unhelpful. I just sicken at knowing that this foolish advice is being followed by men. I agree that raising one’s self esteem is critical to having success with women, but that cannot be attained by such ridiculous advice as is suggested here:
If you want to raise your self-esteem you have to DO things which will raise it. Take John Goddard’s lead, and make a list of the things you MUST complete before the end of your life - and make it YOUR list, not his or the one’s your mommy wants you to do - but YOURS. Then, devote every waking minute to doing this…you’ll feel real self-esteem then, trust me.
My work is all about supplying both internal and external ways for a man to raise his self-esteem (his self-image) and empower him to greater and greater success with women and in life. This dopey guy in the article, has barely an iota of a clue as to what he is talking about. Without a balance of practical suggestion from an expert, and an equally effective approach to better self-suggestion and self-image, no real progress can be made.
Style (Neil Strauss) was in New York in September to promote his book “The Game”. He asked me to say a few words about Project Hollywood. Unfortunately, I did not have enough time to get to my Top 10 list (below). But, I did save it and I think it’s pretty funny even if slightly dated.
So, here we go from 10 to 1…
10) Mystery, the great peacocker, owns a pair of white New Balance tennis shoes;
9) Style is learning guitar. The only problem is, he likes to sing when he plays;
8) Mystery is meticulously clean, except for the doors he kicks off their hinges;
7) Calling Playboy’s room the Maid’s quarters is a bit of an overstatement - it was the clothes folding room at best;
6) Courtney Love is totally nuts when she is stoned;
5) Q: What of Tyler Durden’s was slightly larger than that of Sickboy’s?
A: His closet
4) RSD guys, except Playboy, don’t wash their dishes;
3) Herbal has horrible taste in carpets, but has a very nice car;
2) Papa is a terrible driver, and has a very ugly car;
1) The Two and The Three were two of the greatest PUAs of all time - second and third, to “The One” and only Style…
Forgive the tiny homage to Style at the end, but it was his event. Ultimately, I’d bet on Mystery, but I haven’t been in their world for some time now.
"The Red Queen" by Matt Ridley
"Way of the Superior Man" by David Deida
"The Game" by Neil Strauss
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