Hey man -

I’ve recently had a rush of 1-on-1 coaching work here and it occurred to me to write a little bit about my observations of the common challenges I see guys facing (long sentences anyone?).

I guess it’s the nature of how I advertise my “social coaching” as not being an in-field training course that yields me less students than say some other company, BUT I also usually get very cool, more normal guys too.

When with RSD, the range of guy that would arrive at Project Hollywood, would be from the normal dude who simply lacked confidence in talking to girls, to the borderline sociopath who insisted that we teach him how to get every girl on the planet. I think some of that had to do with our marketing at the time, things like:

“See us pull wives off of their husbands and make out with them in under 3 minutes!”

Totally absurd of course, but you read a lot of outrageous claims in marketing letters these days.

One of the reasons Mike and I developed CEIC around the concept of NOT training guys “in field” was to:

1) Spare us the reality of having to “sarge” ever again (which I hate, frankly);
2) Attract a more mature customer and;
3) Help us focus on what ACTUALLY helps a guy, which is not training him to sarge, but rather coaching him on how to develop an interesting lifestyle that leads to a relationship with the RIGHT woman.

Well, that was a bit of a prelude, so let me now get into my analysis of the challenges that dudes seem to consistently face.

Here is the number one mindfuck guys are telling themselves:

I) I am NOT the problem, I just need to know what to SAY when I am around women

VERY WRONG. You ARE the problem man. If I told you everything you should/could say to get a woman right now, you’d still screw it up because the place from which the words arise (in YOU) is living a lie.

“Living a lie?”

Yep. The basis for the challenge that most guys face is that they don’t see reality. They believe:

1) I am unattractive
2) Women don’t like me
3) I am not “enough” to attract cool girls
4) It’s wrong to want to have sex with a girl
5) I am fatally flawed and will never truly get what I want in dating, and in life

Most guys are ASLEEP, and - frighteningly - they don’t want to wake up. They are comfortable and secure in their own negativity.

“I am unattractive”

Many guys ARE unattractive, but that could easily change by doing things differently, taking different actions, and presenting themselves better. They can’t see the difference between being physically attractive and genetically attractive. Brad Pitt is genetically attractive, Neil Strauss is NOT. However, Neil Strauss has turned himself into an attractive guy because he WOKE UP.

“Women don’t like me”

WRONG. The problem is not that women don’t like you, the problem is that they don’t even NOTICE you. Most guys are average, ordinary and BORING. Sorry, that’s the truth as I see it. If you want to REALLY know how women feel, learn to approach and talk to them. Then, tell them about your life. If you are doing interesting, cool things - well then, guess what? They will find you INTERESTING. This is not brain surgery here.

One thing that I focus on A LOT with my guys is to rediscover their aims in life. Most of us are in a “rut” and it’s hard to get out. Most of us spend our days doing exactly the same things - we go to work, we have lunch, we go back to work, we head home, we have dinner, we surf the net, we watch TV, we go to bed.

BORING.

If you were going to die one year from now - HOW WOULD YOU SPEND THIS YEAR? This is a common question I ask guys, and it’s designed to help them see into what the REALLY want in life. I don’t advocate quitting your job, writing poetry from dawn til dusk & going broke…as that will be the fast track BACK into the same, boring life. Instead, carve out an hour/day to do what you REALLY want. Go explore your community, start painting, travel, SPEAK YOUR MIND…

I am serious - this is the number one way to attract women. BE INTERESTING, BE YOURSELF (YES, I AM SCREAMING WITH MY CAPS!)

“I am not ‘enough’ to attract cool girls”

Says who? Mommy? Daddy? Sister? Who’s reality are you living here?

It is ALWAYS the case that a guy is self-feeding himself BS based on something he learned as a kid. It grows into “low self esteem” eventually. It grows into toxically negative thinking that becomes the “edge” of his comfort zone.

Your reality is something that you CAN CHANGE. One of the GREAT things about seeing a pro-PUA in action is that you can SEE him get a girl. Now, as I have said before, the GOOD PUAs out there are the ones who can attract a girl who is not initially interested or attracted to him. From what I can see, most of the Pro-PUAs out there are good-looking guys who likely get girls attracted to them in spite of their social skills. These guys cannot really help most guys.

The ones who can are the ones who can truly teach the art of attracting women. If you are looking to learn how to do that, be careful on who you spend your money with my friend.

But, your “reality” manifests in a variety of different ways. Look around you - perhaps you are reading this at work, at home, at an internet cafe…what is the “state” of your life? How does it look from the outside? Would a woman be excited on entering this life? Would her world become larger or smaller?

Also, look at it from the inside-out - how does it feel to you? Are you content? Happy? Or, is there a deep-seated, nagging aingst that “this is not me”.

If so, that’s the NORM man. In order to really change your life, you have to start by changing your inner REALITY first. And, it doesn’t require you to now purchase 18 inner game programs (spare me…). All this requires is that you do 2 things:

a) Believe, again (as you did when you were younger), that anything is possible and;
b) Question everything

Question every “structure” or decision that exists in your life and your world. Every pattern needs to be examined. Are you consistently attracting women that don’t REALLY turn you on? This is a common symptom that a guy struggles in this. His reality is limited, and in order for that guy to find real love and lasting attraction, that reality has to change.

“It’s wrong to want to have sex with a girl”

Again, says who? I want to toss a little idea out there, a little diagnosis (if you will):

SEXUAL SHAME

Every guy I meet has this problem. Here’s how it tends to work:

He feels he wants to have sex with a woman, it’s an animal instinct that he can’t control. He acts out on this in private (usually) with porn, or chronic masturbation.

Once he senses this feeling, something goes haywire and he suddenly feels ashamed and embarrassed. It’s some strange way that religion has corrosively impacted the “American male” - he’s AFRAID he’s going to violate some existential feminist/protestant doctrine by simply being OK with his own sexuality.

Ever go to Europe? If not, you should. Or, go to South America. You’ll see exactly what I mean if you go “out” in any of these environments. Go to the beach and see how the men dress and how they behave towards women. Go to the clubs there. It’s VERY different.

A former date of mine, a girl from Georgia (the country) used to say it best: “American men are boring, and they are terrible in bed”.

She was right.

“I am fatally flawed and will never truly get what I want in dating, and in life”

Aaah yes, the final apocalypse. The guy realizes that he sucks with women, and then his negativity finally takes over his entire life by convincing him that NOTHING is attainable.

There’s something scary here…and this is very very disturbing in my opinion.

Most guys are PISSED OFF.

Ever go to a lair meeting? It’s the angriest gathering of men you’ve ever seen. You can feel the hostility when you enter the room - it’s literally scary, as if someone might go postal.

Know what else? They SHOULD be pissed off. The amount of negativity they haul through their life would piss off the Dalai Lama for heaven’s sake.

BUT, they are pissed off in the WRONG way.

Dude, it is not society that is shrinking you. It’s not women, mommy, daddy, the church, the press, the “community” - No. It’s YOU.

Why do you think Barry’s show is so popular? Why? It’s because most guys are PISSED off and HE is the only one putting words around it.

Dude - you should be pissed off. You should be angry that you suck with women, and that you aren’t happy. Absolutely - be PISSED.

BUT, take responsibility. OWN IT, in other words. Stop blaming everything outside yourself for your lack of power (because power is what you lack, I don’t care how “special” your problem is…POWER is what you need) and take responsibility for it.

You are the one STILL believing the hype, the negativity, and are still the one doing NOTHING about it.

Think learning “what to say” is the answer? NOPE. Sure, it will help, and is probably valuable, but it isn’t going to remedy your pain my man.

Only when you can take full responsibility for yourself, and your life, will you start to see some improvement. This is the only way to marshall all of the reserves to fully oppose the negativity and inertia in your life. If there are ANY strings attached to your past or present blaming something outside of yourself for ANY problem you have, you will KEEP that problem.

So, be PISSED, but OWN it and work thru it in the right way. There are no fatal flaws (just look at Sean Stephenson if you don’t believe me) - that’s a mind fuck you’re telling yourself because it keeps you SAFE and enables you to keep being LAZY.

Which leads me to my final conclusion.

A remedy, let’s call it:

TAKE responsibility, STOP being safe, get ACTIVE and get a REAL LIFE.

That’s it. No need for the next, latest and greatest algorithm on attracting women, no need to buy the next “cutting edge” game program released by some guy with a REALLY weird name, no need to spend thousands on some lame seminar that will NOT HELP YOU. (All you need are a few, like 3 or LESS, programs and/or ebooks to get the info you need man - anything more makes you a “junkie”)

What will help you? I’ll repeat it:

TAKE responsibility, STOP being safe, get ACTIVE and get a REAL LIFE.

Eventually, that is what you are going to have to do.

I got an email from a former client recently, named Ted. He told me that he had two weeks of vacation left in the year, and asked if he should either: “go to New York to sarge with some friends the whole time, or go to Kenya and climb Mt. Kilimanjaro”.

Is that a real question?

The last point I’ll make is this…and I am not sure who is to blame for this (each of us, probably), but since when was it a good idea to “sarge” for a week instead of taking on a life-changing experience?

Who actually advocates that? Where does this idea originate?

Perhaps it’s just the result of many men with low-self esteem and atrociously-negative self-images colliding with a market that is literally crazed for the next, greatest program that will “change your life”, and “7 days and you can solve this problem once-and-for-all!”.

No one can solve it for you. Sure, we can help - a few of us can (many cannot, buyer beware). But, no one has the answer, no one can pull you out of the hole. Only you can. The answer is you.

My reply to Ted, and my newest mantra for any guy within earshot?

“Climb Mt Kilimanjaro.”

And have fun building a unique and individual life.

Stephen Nash.
Author, How to Get a Girlfriend &
The Natural Art of the Pick-Up

This is a how to get a girl friend mailbag question…(yes, I do respond to emails - so, feel free to send man!)

Finding the right kind of women “for me” is everyone’s challenge. I have found though that there are very solid techniques to apply to my lifestyle which can help this dilemma. My friend JP illustrated his particular situation very nicely. Let’s hear from him.

“Hello Stephen,

JP”

Anyone relate to this? I sure do. When I was living in LA, during the Project Hollywood experiment, we were surrounded by some of the hottest, swankiest bars/clubs in the world – yet, very often, the women there could barely hold a conversation about the weather…it got boring, FAST.

When I came back to New York, I made it a point to place myself in environments where the women I was interested would frequent. I am certainly not Einstein, but I am no dummy either. I was really looking to be around intelligent, artsy, witty, pretty, stylish and strong women. I was also hoping to meet women that shared interests in the same activities and had some cultural sophistication.

A slight digression…here’s a rule of thumb from the FRONT lines…the higher the cover charge – be it a club/lounge/bar - the dumber the women (AND men) in the venue…just a tidbit, for your information…

So, the first thing I had to do was to start DOING things that I wanted to do – and not from the point of view of meeting women. I had to start really engaging my interests, and trying them on in the real world. It was important that I stop focusing too much on meeting Ms. Right, and instead focus on becoming Mr. Right. To meet the right kind of women for me, I had to start really living in the world, doing the things that I wanted to do – then, I had to start meeting the people there doing those things too.

In New York, there are plenty of cultural institutions, stores, classes and events, where there are interesting, sophisticated, attractive women. But, in order to find the ones right for me, I had to venture out and explore the ones that I wanted to.

I found galleries a great place to begin. I also found that by getting involved in various groups/clubs in New York (NOT PUA LAIRS), I met similar people. I took classes, I learned a lot – I GOT INVOLVED.

Once I got really involved, I then became a leader within that environment. This is very important. The more in the center of the event/class/venue you are, the more apt you are to become known and respected within that community.

That’s an important word – ‘community’. Men who have challenges meeting women of the right ilk are themselves not surrounded by a community truly reflective of themselves…they are not engaged in a balanced way in the world.

Once you find yourself in, or creating, a community – begin to lead the group by doing things you want to do. Organize friends for a party, a trip, or an outing, explore new restaurants/galleries/shows etc. Tell them that they can bring friends along if they like – then fold their friends into the social circle.

This takes time, but it greatly enhances the likelihood of meeting someone with whom you share commonalities AND it is very easy to meet women through your circle of friends – no pick-up lines needed, just an introduction from a friend. When people meet others through a circle of friends, they are more relaxed and open anyway – increasing the likelihood of actually meeting the real girl, instead of the ‘bar chick’ personality, filled with moves of defense, and masks of cool.

I had a client recently who wanted to meet more women, while he also wanted to learn to drive a Formula 1 vehicle. Wild eh? He knew of a place where he could actually get behind the wheel of such a car, and I challenged him to make a down payment on the school within 30 days. He did so, and had a blast learning to drive these cars. One day, while having lunch at the school, a guy he was in class with and his sister came in and joined him. She was there to watch, and my guy was friends with her brother already. They sat down, his friend introduced them to each other, my guy used a bit of flirting, baiting and storytelling…voila…date, date, date, date….long-term relationship.

I really think that’s how it works guys. Most women have a paradigm for “how they want to meet a guy” – and it is RARELY that she wants to meet him in a bar. Women who are intelligent and cool don’t want to tell their mothers that they met their current boyfriend at Deep or Ceilo (lame, loud clubs in NYC)…I assure you.

SN.

I said Wednesday…and I apologize.

This fine machine that I work with here at How To Get A Girlfriend headquarters..aka, this computer has been in “the shop” since Tuesday afternoon.

Something about a power supply.

So, I’m late.

But better late than never, right?

Here’s Part II, where I outline some answers to this troubling phenomenon of “one-itis” or becoming obsessed with that “One Special Girl”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

If you currently find yourself in this situation, you have my heart-felt sympathies friend. This is no easy spot you find yourself in, and my plan is no guarantee for you to “get the girl”.

In fact, everything I am about to tell you may seem completely counter-intuitive.

But, if you can do these few things, I assure you that you will regain your balance and POWER and see this much differently.

First of all, let’s focus on this word “POWER” for a minute, OK?

If you are in a situation where the thoughts in your mind predominate around one area in your life (a girl, in this case) then that particular area has POWER over you.

Here’s a bit of social/relationship math for you, OK?

• Too much power given to a woman PUSHES/REPELS her away from you
• Balanced power in all areas of life ATTRACTS the right women to you
• Too little power given to women ATTRACTS the wrong women to you

Interesting, isn’t it.

Those three little statements I just made cost me 10 years of my life man.

I learned those the HARD way, but I am grateful to know this now and pass it along to you.

If you are a guy who is currently obsessed with a woman, here’s my hunch – she’s not really into you.

She might think you’re nice, fun, cool, smart & interesting. But, she doesn’t find you attractive enough to form a relationship with you.

Women who are attracted to men, return their calls, they make time to see them, and they even initiate contact regularly.

If by chance she IS into you and just playing hard to get, pushing her is going to repel her away from you.

For now, here’s what you’ve got to do:

1) STOP calling her (Now)
2) STOP stalking her (Now - cyber, in person, or otherwise)
3) ASAP – meet more women (approaches, parties, internet…all if possible)
4) In 10 days, INVITE “her” to do something with you and your friends
5) START using real social skills to attract her

The above structure is a way to turn “her” into a friend, and to do it FAST, OK?

It’s a bit sneaky, I admit. But, if you’re so obsessed with a girl that you can’t sleep and if she’s not giving you clear-cut signs that she wants to see you (like, returning your calls, calling you first, creating opportunities to see you, replying to your emails, spending time with you, kissing you, inviting you “upstairs” to meet her dog Maggie…etc) then you need to re-balance this relationship.

In fact, this is not really a relationship at all, is it?

Nope…it’s what I lovingly call a “situationship”.

So, your first goal is to IMMEDIATELY re-balance this situationship.

The way to do that is to reclaim your power by STOPPING bad behavior.

Withdraw the excess of energy you are giving this, and stop calling/stalking/emailing her NOW.

Don’t ever do this again, OK?

I know of a friend who changed all of his passwords and asked his mother to recreate them and keep them from him just so he couldn’t cyber-stalk an ex-girlfriend.

You may not have to take such drastic measures – but do whatever it takes, because obsessive behavior and thinking around a woman 99.99% of the time insures that you WILL NOT GET HER.

Here’s another point that I must make. Usually, we obsess over women who are subtly and indirectly communicating DISinterest to us.

Mixed signals are the cause of obsession and anxiety – lack of clarity is the issue here. If she was interested, you would know it.

She’s just not that into you…in other words. And if she is, by doing the 5 steps I outline above, you will reconnect with her in a healthy way.

If she isn’t…by all means, CUT YOUR LOSSES, OK?

Our minds spin out of control and into obsessive and unhealthy behavior usually when the woman is unavailable.

In my case above, Ariella was giving me indirect signals that she was not available for what I wanted.

Because I was so emotionally wrapped up in it though, I was not able to see it.

Sure, it’s easy to blame her for not being clear and direct, but MOST people handle things in this way.

In order to move past this, you have to OWN your end of it…which is that you didn’t read some pretty obvious signals that she’s not interested in you.

OK – so we’re clear – STOP doing things that are hurting you and STOP RIGHT NOW.

Next, we’ve got to talk a little bit about a word that I am sure will connect with you.

This word changed my life, and that is not an over-hyped marketing statement either, that’s the truth.

The word is:

Scarcity.

If you are obsessed and consumed with ONE woman…you are living in a female scarce world, and you need to change that ASAP.

It is NORMAL for healthy men to want women (if you’re heterosexual that is).

Your impulses towards intimacy, sex and relationship are healthy and right.

What you need is VARIETY – the “anti-scarcity”.

Without some variety, you won’t truly know and appreciate what is out there and may “settle” for a woman that is not truly right for you (if you are lucky).

Long-term, healthy relationships require experience. You’ve got to know the market, in other words, so that you make a healthy, informed choice.

See that?

Scarcity is the enemy of CHOICE.

If you’re panicked and obsessed over “ONE”, then you’ve lost your right to choose and that has to be fixed if you want a successful relationship.

This leads me to point #3 – MEET MORE WOMEN.

Reminds me of one of my favorite movies. Ever see “Fandango”?

It’s from the ‘80s and stars Kevin Costner and Judd Nelson – it’s a great guy flick, and tells the story of a wild road trip taken by some friends right out of college.

Kevin Costner plays a swashbuckling sort of guy, who is a real ladies man.

Well, he’s lamenting a past love with a buddy, and throws down this GEM of a phrase for us:

“The only way to get over a girl, is to go out and get yourself another one”

Makes sense, right? In our case, it makes a LOT of sense.

Guys who suffer from the scarcity mentality have to get their social lives up to speed and get more dates, and more options of women.

This may be the most important point I make in this report – if you want to cultivate true power with women and dating, you’re going to need to meet MORE of them.

I’ll get into this more a bit later, but just know that having more options/choices in your dating life is crucial. And that the next time you’re in this pickle, you’re going to want to meet some new women ASAP.

I’ll cover the three ways to meet more women a bit later in this report though as it’s a very involved topic, and I don’t want to scatter our focus here, OK?

Now, you’re going to need to give this some TIME.

TIME and PATIENCE are now your friends with “her”.

I usually give it around 10 days, and I suggest only now communicating with her in mass emails – nothing direct or personal at this point. Otherwise, she seems too special.

Ever hear of this acronym – LJBF?

Lets Just Be Friends

This is what you’re doing with step #4. You are communicating to her that you’ve moved her into the “friend” column.

In about 10 days you’ll want to organize something with your social circle. A great idea is to discover a cool brunch place, and set something up for Sunday at 1pm.

Brunch is so great because people are more likely to have plans in the evening than they are on a Sunday afternoon. So, this way you will get more “yes” replies.

On a Wednesday send a note to your “list” (with “her” in the cc category like the rest of your friends) inviting everyone to the brunch you’re organizing.

Now, there is no guaranteeing that she will come along. But, if you continue to “lead” your social circle by organizing cool, interesting outings she will eventually come along.

Plus, now that she’s your friend, you’re allowed to treat her like you would any other friend. This is why it’s fine to “cc” her on a mass email.

The ONLY time you have personal involvement with her right now is if she contacts/replies to you. And, even these communiqués need to be quick and without fanfare, much like you would send to a friend.

This is how you reclaim your power here, and eliminate the “one-itis” you’re currently experiencing.

Also, this plan rearranges your “situationship” with her so that she is still in your circle but so that YOU are now in charge (aka: having reclaimed your power).

This will also give the two of you a much less pressured way to get to know each other and see if you are really right for each other.

This is precisely why people tend to fall in love with others via their social circle. So, if you are in a “one-itis” situation, add her into your social circle so that the two of you can have a more balanced way to get to know each other.

Now, this doesn’t guarantee that you’ll “get the girl”. This plan essentially presses the “reset” button with you and her which is you only shot at this point. For, if you are in an obsessed state, you are way past the point of “maybe”.

The final piece to this is to attract her using GOOD social skills.

• You need to be the true LEADER of your social circle
• You need to flirt/tease with her in a way that doesn’t embarrass her, but that does enhance sexual tension
• You need to bait her into chasing you
• You need to capture and lead her imagination by using storytelling
• You need to emphasize the strong connections that exist between you
• You need to present yourself with a “look” that is both contemporary and cool
• You need to understand what is naturally attractive to women, and what is not – then you need to start DOING and BEING attractive and stop DOING and BEING unattractive
• Ultimately, you need to meet more women as my hunch is that “she” is not the one for you…

Meeting more women, learning how to attract them, and living a life that naturally brings THE RIGHT women for relationships is THE teaching I convey in “How To Get A Girlfriend” and I think you owe it to yourself to check it out.

You can have it for free for 7 days even…

Click the link below to download your copy:

http://www.how-to-get-a-girlfriend.com/ebook.html

If you’ve read this article, then don’t you think you owe it to yourself to focus a bit on this challenge called “WOMEN” and get it handled?

My opinion only: if you keep relying on just YOU and YOU alone to handle it, I bet your results don’t change. You can’t get out of the woods with the map that got you there in the first place.

The solution: some NEW information, which is precisely the purpose of my ebook.

So, I sure hope you got something out of these two posts here.

My goal with CEIC is to reduce your pain and help you improve and expand the pleasures of women in your life.

EVERY guy deserves healthy and pleasurable relationships with women, and eventually an awesome girlfriend.

If you’re hung-up on one woman, and she isn’t your girlfriend or wife, then it’s time to assess the health of your dating and social life…

Is that time now?

I hope I’ve helped you with that today.

Over ‘n out,

Stephen.

Hey -

One thing I did not cover in my ebook, “How To Get A Girlfriend” was what to do in that special circumstance where you get hung up on her to the point where you’re obsessed, a bit unfocused, and perhaps even slightly (or more) crazy.

I want to tell you a brief story now - indulge me for a moment before I outline my steps for handling this scenario.

Here’s a rather long, but important, question for you:

Ever been hung up on ONE girl, to the point where you possibly lost sleep, focus, perhaps made ridiculous phone calls to her, stalked her (or cyber-stalked her…a new, scary phenomenon), begged her, shed tears for her…and otherwise lost a huge amount of time effort and energy to the cause of getting her?

(long sentence, I know…bare with me here)

Well, I have been in this position before. This was years ago, way before I ever realized I needed help with women, dating and relationships. Aeons before I learned how to get a girlfriend, and fell in love (which is my situation today…so, I’ve come full circle - in case you were wondering).

I was walking home one night, and met a woman near my apartment - she was walking her dog. I think she asked me for directions - yes, that’s right, she asked me for directions.

So, we began chatting and we eventually swapped numbers. A week later we went out on a date, strolled back to her place, got a bit intimate and said good night. We washed/rinsed/repeated that a few times, and all was good and fun.

Big point to make here is this: All my eggs were in one basket…HER basket - I had no other options, and hadn’t had a cute girl in my life in some time. I think it had been nearly a year possibly since I had even kissed a girl.

I left town on a business trip for 3 weeks, and when I returned - something had changed.

We were set up for a date, and I was all ready to go when the phone rang. It was her cancelling. A sinking feeling set-in.

“Something’s Up”, I thought

She had said she’d call back to arrange another time, but days now started to pass with no call from her.

S-T-R-E-S-S sets in & my sleep started to suffer.

I decide to call her.

Seems a good decision, right?

Here are the stories I was telling myself:

“Aah, maybe she’s busy at work and hasn’t had a chance to call me” (NEVER happens…when someone wants to call someone, they make time for it)
“Maybe something horrible happened” (Maybe it did, but even then, if she was really interested, she would call)
“My answering machine is broken” (But, I was getting messages from other people)
“Maybe, just maybe, I was supposed to call HER” (She had been clear, and this was a blatant rationalization, as I was looking for anything that would help me FEEL BETTER NOW!)

So, I called her.

Are you close to cringing yet? Don’t worry…this gets worse.

She nervously played it off as “being busy”, “things got away from me”, “oh, this case is so overwhelming (she worked for the DA)”…somewhere in my body though, my heart was sinking…

“Let’s get together this weekend”, said I
“Uh, OK…um, well, can we talk later in the week so I’ll know if I’m free?”, she blustered
“Sure, I’ll call you on Wednesday” (it was Sunday), I replied
“OK Stephen…I’ll talk to you then”, she said and then quickly got off the phone

As soon as I hung up, a feeling of relief swept over me - I had done it! We had a date coming-up and all was well!

It was good to hear her voice, I recall thinking. Again, I had so few women in my life, that just hearing her voice made me smile.

And then, 10 minutes later, it all changed. Suddenly, a feeling of suspicion began to grow inside of me. Part of me knew that something wasn’t quite right here. My feeling of trust had been broken by her, as she had flaked once by now. Was she doing that again?

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday….each night worse than the previous. I would awaken with a gasp, and then stress would set-in. The stress of desperately needing to control a situation that is immensely uncontrollable.

Work each day would be difficult - I had no ability to focus - NONE. I would take breaks, I would try to eat, I would drink lots of coffee.

An annoying habit began to kick-in…I began to “confide in my friends about the situation” - because, I needed advice.

Within a day, everyone was hearing about it - and everyone gave me different advice.

“Dude, you have to tell her how you FEEL” (guy)
“Just lay back, she’ll call you - I know it” (guy)
“Haha, man Stephen, don’t ask me - I’m just as clueless as you are” (guy)
“Call her, and just leave her a groovy message man, and DON’T ask her out…” (guy)
“How wonderful! You’re in love with someone! I just know it will work out - what is her name?” (girl)

Each person’s tip would inspire me, give me hope and confidence for just as long as they would talk. I could be carried away by their emotion and optimism, but as soon as they were gone, I would sink back into even greater confusion and anxiety than before.

So, as you can probably imagine, Wednesday came and I was relieved. At around 8pm that night, I worked up the nerve to call her. I was REALLY nervous. I had decided that I would just go with the plan of firming up plans for the weekend. To do anything else would be out of the ordinary here, and perhaps I was “overreacting”.

I call - no answer - into voice-mail - I hang up

Shit.

I should have left a voice mail! Damn, now if I call again, will she know that I double-rang her??

More stress sets in.

I call again - again, no answer - into voice-mail - nervous, shaky, stammering message - I hang up

Shit.

Double Shit.

I try to distract myself by watching some TV, but I can only think about the LAME message I just left on her voice mail.

An hour or so passes, the phone rings.

My heart jumps - “maybe it’s her!”

Nope - a call for my roommate. Some guy named Darryl, who calls everyday to talk about some “website project”.

Get a life Darryl.

I go back to the TV and begin obsessing again. I pull apart my message in my mind, trying desperately to figure out how she will receive it once she does hear it.

It’s now time for bed, and I try to sleep. I can’t do it. When my alarm rings in the morning, I’ve had maybe a few hours.

My eyes and body start to show a bit of fatigue at work.

“Stephen, are you OK? You seem a bit tired” (they say)
“Yeah, maybe a bit”

Being that this was before I had a cellphone, I am now checking my home voicemail VERY often. I recall that before my trip away, I had checked my voicemail from work and had received messages from her.

“Maybe that’s how it works?” I think
“Maybe, God will only send me a voicemail from her when I’m not obsessing about it”

Every hour (or more) I phone home to check voicemail…no messages. NONE whatsoever. I crave the sound of “Debbie, the voicemail lady” to say the following:

“You have ONE new voice message - to hear your message press ONE”

All I want is ONE Debbie. I could hear her voice in my head before I’d call.

The weekend passed, less sleep, more stress, less eating, more obsessing….

Monday, Tuesday…and now, Wednesday again.

Strangely, I started to feel better early in the week - as if, something was lightening up in me…but, once I decided to call again on Wednesday - it returned.

All I needed was to stare at the phone with a small ounce of desire, and the itch was back on me like the hives.

I called her again….and again, into voice mail. I left a quick message:

“Hey, it’s Stephen. Hadn’t heard from you so wanted to check-in and say Hi. I hope nothing is wrong, and that alls well. Give me a ring so we can hang out soon. Bye”

“check-in”
“alls well”

Catch phrases for…CALL ME PLEASE I AM DYING OVER HERE.

I felt a bit relieved by now. I had done what I could do, and now I could let this go.

I decided to go for a walk at this point to “clear my head” - something very satisfying about taking an action, and knowing that you’ve done what you can.

I return and notice the message light blinking. My heart leaps into my throat as I press the red “PLAY” button.

“Hey Stephen, it’s Ariella. Sorry I haven’t been in touch. Give me a call when you get this, so we can talk. Bye”

NICE! It’s ON!! Or, so I think…

I call her now. And she answers. After the usual pleasantries…she drops the bomb:

“So, you should know that me and my ex have started hanging out again…it’s not too serious yet, but that’s probably why I haven’t been so responsive”

My face fills with blush. I’m flustered. My mouth and throat tighten. I grow dizzy.

“Oh, OK, yeah, I was wondering why I hadn’t heard from you”
“Yeah, sorry about that, I should have told you…but, you know”
“Oh sure…yeah…well, OK”
“So, I should go - but I’ll talk to you soon, OK?”
“Great, OK - Bye”
“Bye”

I sit down.

What just happened? My heart was aching….my brain was cycling like never before. Where my brain heard opportunity and an opening, my heart felt closure and an “overness” like never before. They began to fight.

My brain won.

“I’ll talk to you soon” it repeated to me

She never said they were “back together” it said

She never said “don’t call me” it said

And again, she said “I’ll talk to you soon” - dude, it’s ON!

I went to sleep, barely with my mind racing a mile/minute convincing me that it was ON…and then, it was OVER…ON…OVER…ON….OVER

UGH.

I began stalking her.

Now, when I say “stalking” I don’t mean that I’d crouch in the bushes by her house - no. But, I would stroll past her apartment building 2-3 times per day when it was totally inconvenient for me to do so. I would go WAY out of my way to hopefully “run into her” spontaneously. I would call her sporadically hoping that she would answer…only to have her voicemail pick-up and never leave a message.

One night, the worst of the worst happened.

During one of my “strolls”, I saw her and him going into the apartment. They didn’t see me, but I saw them. Care to guess what he looked like?

A total stud…

He had me by three inches in height, looked way cooler than me, probably worked out 4 times a DAY, and she was staring at him adoringly…

I walked away. I walked home. And then, it happened…

I began to cry.

I am very serious about this.

You see, when you have a fantasy relationship with someone, and then you see them in REALITY with someone ELSE…it’s a heart-breaker. It’s devastating. It’s a crushing blow.

Now, not only did I get to stress out about her, but now I had images of her with HIM to boot.

This was not getting better.

I stopped sleeping. My work suffered. People began to be “concerned” for me.

One day at work, I decided to go for broke.

You see, when we’re obsessed with that “one special girl”, we usually have one of three options:

1) The Stalking Method (tried it, and failed at it)
2) The Call and Leave/Dont Leave Voice Messages Method (tried it, and failed at it)
3) The BEG AND PLEAD Method (my final option…and, oh yeah, I was about to USE it)

Late one night, I called 411 and found the general number for her office. I phoned it, and was able to deduce her direct dial work number.

I decided that tomorrow - I was going for broke, and I was going to end this once and for all - she was either going to see me, or it’s OVER.

(of course, she had been giving me signals left and right that it was over for some time now…signals that I was not receiving - so, for her it was OVER already)

I called her after lunch. Surprisingly, I ate a lot. Something in me had relaxed knowing that I was about to take ownership over this situation once and for all.

At 3pm, I headed downstairs to the basement to use a private land line. I was going for broke.

I called, she answered, and for the next 20 minutes I pulled out every trick, stop, gimmick, and sappy plead that I could muster. I even told her I loved her. I was the romantic, I was the “alpha male”, I was a poet, I was funny, I was everything I had ever wanted to be…and then, it was over.

She told me she was back with “him” and that she really “liked” me, but that she had to focus on her relationship now.

“You’re a great guy Stephen, but I’m looking to get married and I think he’s the one for me. Can we be friends though?”

“Sure”…

We said our good-bye’s, and just like that - it was over.

10 weeks of hell, sweat, tears, stress and sleepless nights were over…that night, I feel right to sleep and woke up a new man the next day.

********************************

I gotta tell you, just rehashing that story fills me with both pain and pride.

Pain because I can still feel some of those memories in my body…

Pride because I’ve come a LONG way since then - and that phenomenon doesn’t happen to me anymore.

I want to tell you now how to both HANDLE this situation and how to work your social life so that this won’t HAPPEN to you again.

Tune in Wednesday for the rest of this article…promise guys, the rest of this will be up by 12noon eastern

(sorry, running out of space here on the blog!).

Stephen.

Since the release of the Third Edition of How To Get A Girlfriend, I’ve been asked to do a number of interviews.

This question comes to me at a time when my life is in full-throttle, and my relationship is as strong as ever. I have to say, I’ve never been happier or more in love than I am now.

Growing an autonomous lifestyle, while building actual self-esteem is THE way to getting a girlfriend…my life is the PROOF of that…

The interviewer wondered about maintaining long-term attraction in a relationship - and in specific, HOW to do this? Here was my response…

For one thing, it is necessary that there be a strong initial chemistry. Let me try to describe that further. I have often found myself out on dates, and felt attracted to the woman (for whatever reason) but knew in my heart that she wasn’t RIGHT for me.

With my current girlfriend – I know in my heart that we are RIGHT for each other. It’s as if she fits the space perfectly within me. Hard to describe that any other way- but that is what chemistry means to me. It would have been impossible to quantify it before really knowing the feeling of it.

Also, this cannot be manipulated or controlled – it either IS or it ISn’t. Finding this is what is so challenging in the dating world.

So, given that that is in place, that leads us to the issue of the relationship and its connection. I’ve found that women tend to place a GREAT deal of importance in their relationship – moreso than men.

For me, my girlfriend is VERY important to me – one of the most important aspects in my life. In order to maintain long term attraction, I find I need to GROW the relationship with her – to be man enough to show up for my end of the bargain.

There is foolish sentiment in existence that attraction in some way relates to playing hard to get…there could be nothing further from the truth in a real relationship. Attraction here means showing-up, being PRESENT, giving LOVE and being open. Half-ass efforts will inspire the same in return, leading to mediocrity, and eventually the downfall of the connection.

In my case, my girlfriend is the most thoughtful, sensitive, loving person I know – so I find that the need to be present, giving and open are paramount. The flow of love is the key – can you feel it?

If so, she can to. Being open and vulnerable in fact INCREASES the sexual tension…contrary to the first sexual encounter, when the unknown draws the chord. These are the times where our connection is the strongest, when the intimacy is the most present. I’d say that’s the goal hidden in your first question.

Essentially, in a real relationship - where the connection actually exists (meaning - both parties have something invested, something on the line…aka, no games at all) - building the connection through sharing life, feelings, fear, etc in fact GROW the connection. Aloofness, fakeness, shallowness, all kill the connection.

Long-term attraction depends upon a growing willingness to be vulnerable, share, and commit. It’s about giving ultimately.

It’s a much larger challenge than meeting or dating women. In fact, it’s a surprising challenge. Naively, I used to believe that the hard part was meeting the right woman…well, it is also very hard to maintain a healthy, dynamic, loving relationship – albeit extremely worthwhile.

I teach a principle to guys, which I call “autonomy”. This is where a man is self-directed, and living a life he can truly call “his own”. What happens when men do this? Interestingly, women become magnetized by his energy and his masculinity.

In order to maintain a relationship with such a woman, this autonomy must now continue. But it must now be accompanied by flexibility, compromise, humility and acceptance. Being autonomous in a true partnership is a massive challenge, and one where I find myself continually needing to be sensitive to my girlfriend’s needs as well as mine. Often, my needs must take a back seat.

Selfishness is the ultimate trait – at least for THIS bachelor – that must be burned off through the course of the relationship. As the needs/wants of the partner, and the partnership rank higher than mine…is when peace and harmony reign in the house.

Autonomy in this case then means serving the aim of the relationship, which is love, intimacy and partnership. No longer are my bachelor wishes/interests valid. Something larger is on the table. Not that I am not allowed to pursue goals and interests – no. But there is a re-prioritization that happens, and it comes from the heart – a deep WISH to find and build a loving partnership.

So, the skills needed to maintain long-term attraction are essentially an extension of those necessary for creating that attraction in the first place: Autonomy, Masculinity and Security. These are the “big three”. Without these in place, a lasting, healthy dynamic can become strained, and can even pay the ultimate price.

Hope that gives you all something to think about…something positive, and healthy. Anyone care about March Madness?

In case you were wondering…Go Tar Heels….

Stephen Nash.

My girlfriend’s mother gave me a personalized mousepad for Christmas…with our pic on it.

Last year, we went to a prom-style dance here in NYC for her school, and we had someone snap a digi-pic of us. So, her mom got the file and somehow got it printed on a mousepad.

She also made a scrapbook of our last year together - including our trip to Venezuela, and our various appearances down at their home in Maryland.

So, what’s the point? Why am I telling you?

I guess to say that…I’m in. Know what I mean?

The parents of your girlfriend might be tough ones to crack. Her dad, for example, is a classic alpha guy, who intimidated me at first.

Now, we’re pals. We watched the Pats/Giants game (little did we know it would be a precurser to a Super Bowl rematch) together, and roared at every score. He was kind enough to Tivo the UNC basketball game that night for me to watch later when we arrived…

These “little” things are the things that I now LOVE about being in a relationship. My life has expanded, and not just because I love my girlfriend.

Oh, and we moved in together back in December and have a puppy in our lives too (a black lab named “Magic”).

This is a FAR cry from Project Hollywood let me tell you! It’s also a far cry from the “pick-up” lifestyle too.

Let me come full circle with this before I sign off - if you want a GREAT life which includes a healthy, wonderful relationship, you’re going to have to BUILD the great life first…then, it can attract a healthy woman INTO it.

This is my big preaching - lifestyle lifestyle lifestyle…that is the way to healthy relationships with women…no line or gimmick will get you to the promised land…

Anyway, those are the thoughts rambling thru my head here on Monday morning…as I move my mouse along, and prepare to walk my dog.

This is what I always wanted.

Oh, and I’ve recently made more time for my business - so I should be posting much more regularly going forth. So, stay tuned for regular updates!

Stephen.

Happy New Year!

This post could be called: the opposite of How To Get A Girlfriend. Today I want to discuss a phenomenon in the dating world called “one-itis”.

Ever hear of it?

Or, worse yet - ever experience it?? Ugh, I hope not man.

This is where you, the guy, become so obsessed with a woman that you literally cannot see other options which exist. The man affilicted with “one-itis” is consumed with the girl’s behavior, her every word, the meaning of all of her actions. He is searching for some clue that will enable him to know that she likes him.

This is no way to get a girlfriend…

I make the argument that women who trigger one-itis are TOXIC for the guy (not ALL guys, but only for the one who has the One-itis). The best course of action here is to drop her immediately. Stop any and all pursuit of her. (In my ebook, How To Get A Girlfriend, I cover exactly what to do to attract high-quality women…but more on that later)

If she changes her behavior, and chases the guy after he drops her, this is OK…but in my experience, highly unlikely.

One-itis is VERY different from the feelings associated with falling in love. My girlfriend and I are very much in love with each other, and never have I felt an ounce of toxicity akin to “one-itis”. Mutual love rarely devolves into obsession, and when it does, it is usually quickly assuaged by true and sincere contact between the two people involved.

Real love is when both parties are interested and available. “One-itis” is when only one party is available (even though the other may be interested)…confused yet?

I remember during the Project Hollywood experiment, we ALL had one-itis at one point. Mystery for Katya, TD for some girl named Celeste (can’t remember if that’s her real name) and I for a girl named Ananda.

We would wake up controlled by the obsession of ‘winning’ her over, of making her ‘ours’. I went to incredible extremes to try and make Ananda my girlfriend. I would drive to her home unannounced, I would engage in absurd text message conversations. TD and I once went to her home after a night out, and we did indeed hook-up.

Did this satisfy me?

Definitely not.

There is something so uncontrollable and slippery about women who are not REALLY available to us. They might say they are, they might even indicate physically that they are (having sex with us, for example), the might contain SOME interest for us, but in their hearts - they are unavailable.

So, they engage us in ‘a game’.

They are intrigued, and interested enough in our approach that they allow us to dangle on the line of pseudo-interest while they get their kicks.

Oh, and I should add, we men are NO different! How many women have I had on the line as ‘an option’ only to see them become so obsessed with me that they call/email/text more and more, trying to be reassured that I am truly interested.

Once I stopped doing this to women, I also stopped experiencing the obsession of “one-itis”.
What you give is what you get, in other words.

This brings me to a very interesting mailbag question I received over the weekend. Let’s hear from him now:

Here’s my dilemma.

I love your book. I have been following your advice- lifting weights, getting into health and fitness. I am taking a computer science class at night school, so I feel like my career is going somewhere too. I signed up for a series of dancing lessons and and there were five girls in the class. After the class, I suggested that we all go across the street for a drink. After a couple of weeks, the cutest one and I hit it off.

She is a smart girl. She taught school and is now going back for her PHD. She reads a lot, has a really close family life and is especially close to her father. She is kind, happy, beuatiful and has similar spiritual beliefs to my own.

We flirted over drinks with the gang a few times and texted each other. I organized a party and she worked the door for a coule of shifts and I hung out with her. She is a great flirt and I tease the hell out of her. I called her on the phone and we had a great conversation for over an hour. Later that week, we went out on a picnic and gently kissed for two hours. She must have said about five times what a great time she had.

Now we haven’t talked for two weeks! I call her every few days and leave a message, she waits a week to call me. All told, I’ve left five messages, she’s left me two.

I think she went home from our picnic, picked up her copy of “The Rules” and said “OMG! I forgot, I am supposed to play hard to get.”

Well, if the purpose of “The Rules” is to get a guy to obsess over a girl.. it’s working! But this is not fun. We had a real connection and it would be bad enough if two weeks went by without seeing each other, but two weeks have gone buy without even talking. Twice already, I have said to myself “Well, I guess it didn’t work out with her, time to move on…” only to have her call me the next day (and I missed the call).

I have gone on dates with other women in the mean time, not real keepers like her, and I wouldn’t worry about her, except she is a real girlfriend-quality woman.

Any advice?

So, the natural impulse here is TO CONTROL. We want to formulate strategies that will enable us to reduce the pain we are experiencing by being unable to control the woman and dictate a certain outcome.

We want to win, we want to feel good.

So, we seek out advice for how to “get the girl”. We want some blueprint which will safely guide us to the finish line of victory.

It does not exist.

What is interesting about this guy’s question is that is really highlights that she IS interested in him. She calls him, she kissed him, she gives just enough interest to keep him - in her mind - as ‘an option’.

He emailed me a few days later remarking that:

Denial is not only a river in Egypt…

It took him one more stab to reveal to him that she was not good for him. Good for him for recognizing it, and dropping her.

The mind is a very intelligent thing, and my belief is that when we slip into obsession we are attempting to control something which is uncontrollable. We have picked-up queue’s which inform us that she is not available. These fly in direct conflict with our desires to date her. Obsession, “one-itis” is the result of this conflict.

“The Game” is a natural result of this phenomenon.

The desire to control women is an age-old struggle. The pain experienced by a broken heart is easily one of the greatest known to mankind.

Why wouldn’t we then attempt to control or govern an outcome?

My argument to guys is when a woman produces such toxicity within you, it is your responsibility to let her go asap. The “one-itis” obsession is extremely painful and imparts tremendous stress and pain in our lives. The arrogance is that we can “win” her even while she impacts us this way.
This is precisely the point at which we MUST drop her and we MUST move on. Our self-esteem depends upon it.

Which leads me to mention my ebook, How To Get A Girlfriend. In my experience, the fastest and most effective way to meet women and to have successful dating relationships is to both build your social SKILLS and your LIFESTYLE.

The way to meet women is through your lifestyle and the answer to how to meet them is through your social skills. If you struggle with either or both, then what are you waiting for??

Both topics are EXACTLY what I cover! In fact, I literally hold you hand through the whole process - it’s really simple, only requiring you to do a few things different every day you read the book.

I cover everything you need to do to go from where you are to lasting success with women. You can be reading it in 5 minutes – seriously. Check it out by following this link:

http://www.how-to-get-a-girlfriend.com/ebook.html

Enjoy, and have a happy new year.

Talk later,

Stephen.

I worked with two clients recently who both asked me to summarize how it is that I help guys with this age-old question: How To Get A Girlfriend.

I realized this was such a clear request that I have handled in my ebook, but I thought it might be useful to briefly cover this in an article - as a sort of primer - so that guys who haven’t yet purchased the book can have a clearer idea of what we’re all about here at Cutting Edge Image Consulting (CEIC).

It is rather an audacious claim – to say that we understand how to help YOU get a girlfriend. But, via tons of research, loads of interviews, massive trial and error, and a solid education at the school of hard knocks, I do believe we’ve found an answer…

Seduction is a huge catch word out there for guys – the image of you seducing women left and right is dangled in front of your nose ten times a day if you surf the web without your brain turned on. Listen, seduction is fine and dandy, if you know how to meet women, and are looking for the RIGHT kinds of women into a relationship.

It’s now how to get a girlfriend though…

I am not a fan of using seduction as a trick to get laid…or as a way of manipulating women into thinking you like them when you don’t…and I learned about that the hard way…Enough said.

For most guys who suffer from a lack of success with women, what they really want is more options, better options, and ultimately, an awesome girlfriend.

Dating is tough because most people give themselves to the laws of chance when seeking a mate. Finding a lasting relationship is hugely important to most people, so why should this be left to chance??

My belief is that a guy who is not meeting enough women, or the right women, is simply not living in the right way.

If you want to meet MORE women, do you put yourself into circumstances where you can interact with them?

If you want to meet the RIGHT women, do you do things which naturally bring you into contact with people who share commonalities with you?

Mastering the above two questions is crucial to your dating success. If you aren’t meeting enough women, and you want to get a girlfriend, you’d better find natural ways to socialize MORE. Join some clubs or take some classes. Get on email lists for events that interest you. Go to a party. Throw a party. Invite people out after work. This is the first step.

You then need to focus on meeting more of the right kinds of women – which only happens as we gain more and more clarity on what it is that we like to do/don’t like to do and start doing it more and more.

If you are really pursuing aims in this world, which means taking lots of action, you will naturally be more and more in community with like-minded people. Also, don’t go places where you don’t want to go, just to meet women. What you need to do is to meet more people, in environments that interest you. The BEST way to meet women is along the way to doing something else.

How To Get A Girlfriend, you say? The short answer = do the things you love, and meet the others who are there doing it with you…

Knowing skills like flirting, complimenting, storytelling, teasing, engaging conversations etc. are critical if you want to streamline and maximize your success in the dating world…being evolved socially means learning through experience how to relate to others.

Having an expert like me allows you to massively speed up the process, while helping you also to round out your social acumen.

But, ultimately, LIFE-skills are what is attractive to women. Men who lead meaningful lives are the men who end up with meaningful relationships. How a man lives, is how a man loves…so, when a woman peers behind the looking glass and sees what is REALLY going on in your world – that will tell her how you will love her as well.

Life and women are very similar.

The main life skill that we advocate, and teach guys to pursue is:

Autonomy.

Being autonomous means being SECURE. Security is what women biologically/intuitively seek from men. Being secure means that you are balanced and leading a healthy lifestyle. There are a number of areas that I ask men to be accountable in – and when I work with you, we go through a series of exercises within each area to fully focus you and pinpoint areas of development.

An autonomous lifestyle + impeccable social skills = real CHOICE in dating and relationships.

This combination gives you power without sneaky, manipulative gimmicks. It also gives you the label “man” rather than “PUA”. I have met very few guys who want to be pick-up artists…but I have met plenty who feel that that is their best option. That is simply not the truth.

Having a balanced, healthy lifestyle allows you to lead your own lives without needing to “sarge”, and naturally places you in front of the women that are right for you. No more target practice, if you wish.

The CEIC work is designed to get each man at his maximum best, and to speed up the process to autonomy and empowerment. Being able to be at your social best, while growing a community of ever-broadening social contact, is the best way to finding a girlfriend.

That’s the short version to the question of - How To Get A Girlfriend.

The longer, more complete version, is here.

Talk soon guys…

Stephen Nash.

Hey -

Since the release of the Third Edition of How To Get A Girlfriend, I’ve been asked to do a number of interviews.

This question comes to me at a time when my life is in full-throttle, and my relationship is as strong as ever. I have to say, I’ve never been happier or more in love than I am now.

Seriously guys, growing your social circle and lifestyle, while building actual self-esteem is THE way to getting a girlfriend…my life is the PROOF of that…

The interviewer wondered about maintaining long-term attraction - and in specific, HOW to do this? Here was my response…

Read more »

There is a phenomenon in the dating world, and it is called “one-itis”.

This is where you, the guy, become so obsessed with a woman that you literally cannot see other options which exist. The man affilicted with “one-itis” is consumed with the girl’s behavior, her every word, the meaning of all of her actions. He is searching for some clue that will enable him to know that she likes him.

I make the argument that women who trigger one-itis are TOXIC for the guy (not ALL guys, but only for the one who has the One-itis). The best course of action here is to drop her immediately. Stop any and all pursuit of her.

If she changes her behavior, and chases the guy after he drops her, this is OK…but in my experience, highly unlikely.

One-itis is VERY different from the feelings associated with falling in love. My girlfriend and I are very much in love with each other, and never have I felt an ounce of toxicity akin to “one-itis”. Mutual love rarely devolves into obsession, and when it does, it is usually quickly assuaged by true and sincere contact between the two people involved.

Real love is when both parties are interested and available. “One-itis” is when only one party is available (even though the other may be interested)…confused yet?

I remember during the Project Hollywood experiment, we ALL had one-itis at one point. Mystery for Katya, TD for some girl named Celeste (can’t remember if that’s her real name) and I for a girl named Ananda.

We would wake up controlled by the obsession of ‘winning’ her over, of making her ‘ours’. I went to incredible extremes to try and make Ananda my girlfriend. I would drive to her home unannounced, I would engage in absurd text message conversations. TD and I once went to her home after a night out, and we did indeed hook-up.

Did this satisfy me?

Definitely not.

There is something so uncontrollable and slippery about women who are not REALLY available to us. They might say they are, they might even indicate physically that they are (having sex with us, for example), the might contain SOME interest for us, but in their hearts - they are unavailable.

So, they engage us in ‘a game’.

They are intrigued, and interested enough in our approach that they allow us to dangle on the line of pseudo-interest while they get their kicks.

Oh, and I should add, we men are NO different! How many women have I had on the line as ‘an option’ only to see them become so obsessed with me that they call/email/text more and more, trying to be reassured that I am truly interested.

Once I stopped doing this to women, I also stopped experiencing the obsession of “one-itis”.

What you give is what you get, in other words.

This brings me to a very interesting mailbag question I received over the weekend. Let’s hear from him now:

Here’s my dilemma.

I love your book. I have been following your advice- lifting weights, getting into health and fitness. I am taking a computer science class at night school, so I feel like my career is going somewhere too. I signed up for a series of dancing lessons and and there were five girls in the class. After the class, I suggested that we all go across the street for a drink. After a couple of weeks, the cutest one and I hit it off.

She is a smart girl. She taught school and is now going back for her PHD. She reads a lot, has a really close family life and is especially close to her father. She is kind, happy, beuatiful and has similar spiritual beliefs to my own.

We flirted over drinks with the gang a few times and texted each other. I organized a party and she worked the door for a coule of shifts and I hung out with her. She is a great flirt and I tease the hell out of her. I called her on the phone and we had a great conversation for over an hour. Later that week, we went out on a picnic and gently kissed for two hours. She must have said about five times what a great time she had.

Now we haven’t talked for two weeks! I call her every few days and leave a message, she waits a week to call me. All told, I’ve left five messages, she’s left me two.

I think she went home from our picnic, picked up her copy of “The Rules” and said “OMG! I forgot, I am supposed to play hard to get.”

Well, if the purpose of “The Rules” is to get a guy to obsess over a girl.. it’s working! But this is not fun. We had a real connection and it would be bad enough if two weeks went by without seeing each other, but two weeks have gone buy without even talking. Twice already, I have said to myself “Well, I guess it didn’t work out with her, time to move on…” only to have her call me the next day (and I missed the call).

I have gone on dates with other women in the mean time, not real keepers like her, and I wouldn’t worry about her, except she is a real girlfriend-quality woman.

Any advice?

So, the natural impulse here is TO CONTROL. We want to formulate strategies that will enable us to reduce the pain we are experiencing by being unable to control the woman and dictate a certain outcome.

We want to win, we want to feel good.

So, we seek out advice for how to “get the girl”. We want some blueprint which will safely guide us to the finish line of victory.

It does not exist.

What is interesting about this guy’s question is that is really highlights that she IS interested in him. She calls him, she kissed him, she gives just enough interest to keep him - in her mind - as ‘an option’.

He emailed me a few days later remarking that:

She finally called me, so I invited her to go see a parade with my friends and I. She didn’t show up or call, so I “fired her”. I said in my email, “I wouldn’t worry about her, but she was a real girlfriend quality woman”- but it turns out she was totally not.

Denial is not only a river in Egypt…

It took him one more stab to reveal to him that she was not good for him. Good for him for recognizing it, and dropping her.

The mind is a very intelligent thing, and my belief is that when we slip into obsession we are attempting to control something which is uncontrollable. We have picked-up queue’s which inform us that she is not available. These fly in direct conflict with our desires to date her. Obsession, “one-itis” is the result of this conflict.

“The Game” is a natural result of this phenomenon.

The desire to control women is an age-old struggle. The pain experienced by a broken heart is easily one of the greatest known to mankind.

Why wouldn’t we then attempt to control or govern an outcome?

My argument to guys is when a woman produces such toxicity within you, it is your responsibility to let her go asap. The “one-itis” obsession is extremely painful and imparts tremendous stress and pain in our lives. The arrogance is that we can “win” her even while she impacts us this way.

This is precisely the point at which we MUST drop her and we MUST move on. Our self-esteem depends upon it.

Have a great day guys.

And thanks for the great response to the Mystery program. Even if you did not purchase, I sure hope you all got something out of volume of freebies he offered. If you don’t know what I am talking about, feel free to read the prior two posts on the blog.

Talk to you later,

Stephen Nash.

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